Jul. 29th, 2016

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...

Sometimes I think I should talk in ellipses like a character from an old video game. Sometimes that's what it feels like. As if nothing that could be said would be as meritorious as what could be done. But these are times when the pervading sense of powerlessness is more and more overwhelming. There is a crushing lack of agency in all that I have been doing & seeing that is becoming preoccupying. It's the thing I think of more than I think of anything. That I'm a consciousness - a point of perception that exists and is moved around & pushed & cajoled by everything around me but which cannot affect anything. Anything at all. There's this thing - where I am a ghost.

The ghost - you understand - is the remnant 'spirit' of the living - it lacks agentic faculties and instead replicates emotional responses, I mean, that's in the mythology right? There's not an abundance of feeling but rather an abundance of performance of feelings.

Untitled

I got caught up about performance and my unwillingness to perform emotions regarding events, recent events.

For some posterity I should maybe mention the RNC coming to Cleveland but - it was pretty stupid. Here's the story I heard repeated that had the strongest resonance - The RNC came up $6 million short on paying for itself - so there was outreach to their clientele to cover the gap and when this amount was finally solicited the GOP decided not to pay the city, as they'd said, but to pay their campaign. This is the story told to me by others, by the other bystanders living through the nonsense. The city did it's pitiable, foolish whoring and attracted the lowest kind of commerce at the expense of it's constituents and then was left with less than was promised - that's effectively the theme of Cleveland's interactions with the larger world - being misused and cheated. Specific variants: The MLB, the NFL, the NBA, A variety of employers - principally these days - the Clinic. The city runs on it's 2% income tax so it needs people to work in it or live in it so that one way or another they can extract that 2% and return - effectively nothing. For what I pay, personally, I'm dissatisfied with my ROI. Murderous incompetent police - whorish pandering to outsiders - relentless overbearing boosterism.

Really the Cleveland Booster population is the worst part of Cleveland. Invariably they're transplants here - and invariably they want to promote tourism. Fucking Tourism. I get so mad! Who wants outsiders? Who wants visitors.

If I could change one thing about this city - it would be that I could choose who could come here.

So the RNC comes to town and kind of that's their message - so I can't get too dismissive since that's my position too, but in the end we'd choose wildly different types of people to live & work with so I have authoritarian fantasies that I ultimately recognize as venal, while they have authoritarian fantasies that they accommodate as virtuous or at least necessary.

Not that it was very interesting. I went downtown for the thing twice during the week & it never seemed very fun, never seemed particularly interesting - never seemed at all like anything was happening beyond the many preposterous evangelists wandering around. My cousin, he's a very misguided guy, he was saying something about leaving the country on a trip, we were having a conversation about it - he says he's going to Rome to do missionary work. And I laugh, like, involuntarily and, like, a lot. He's serious and earnest about Jesus and is all indignant that I trivialize his faith - or wants to be because that's how they train you to be in church, defensive. "I think they might have heard about Jesus in Rome man, I'm pretty sure he's well known."

Realistically I think there's probably a 2:1 ratio of depictions of Jesus: people present in the city limits at Rome.

Walking up and down Euclid Ave. to try and tell people about Jesus makes about as much sense - have you seen all the churches? They're all pokestops now so probably yes, yes you have. There are a lot.

Anyway it was a dumb event that attracted dumb people for dumb reasons and it served as a reminder that the US is not a serious place and you shouldn't expect serious things from it.

***

The other notable thing is that I got a bad staph infection on my butt which caused me to become kind of poisoned and lightly hospitalized. I got to show my but to kind of a few doctors and kept joking at them about how that couldn't be their ideal start to their day. They laughed a bit, of course, to hide their fear that I could sense their intimidation, attraction & lust. Or well, I act like that's what's up because otherwise it's hard to like, bend over at the doctor and be all - Look at how my hairy ass got a messed up hair and is making me feel like I am dying and also am maybe dying! Look into my Butt and observe it as I bend over at the table and expose myself in a way that I don't do even to people that do sex with me! I don't know it's weird and embarrassing but not, shameful, y'know? It's hard to explain the feelings involved, but there are some.

***

Otherwise it's summer and I should be having more summer vacation than I am - which is basically none at all. I spend time each day looking for a better job but I'm not... I don't know. It's hard to really work in a committed way toward doing that when you're at least comfortable? The lack of urgency is a big impediment to sales, that's my experience. If you aren't worried about dying - it's hard to really work up the shit-eatingness you've got to go through in order to sell, so there's that.

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