Aug. 4th, 2016

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Through1of5
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Science! Also Health.

So back when I wen to the doctor about my buboe they had me fill out a survey - and because of that - because there are direct questions asked I got called up later by the poor young
physician who wanted to know is it all true? And yes, it's all true. Do you not enjoy things you used to? I sure don't! Do you have suicidal ideation? I sure do! All of those- which if not asked I would not volunteer.

So today I have some kind of follow up that the nice young doctor arranged and I'm going. Of course my stupid carbuncle is cured now so I'm in a very peppy & upbeat mood and I'm going to see someone later tonight that I haven't seen in too long and I'm looking forward to that - so I have authentic things to be kind of glad about and I'm going to see the head shrinker about my Deep Antipathy For Living In Society and I'm thinking about how I'm going to have to perform sadness- maybe put myself in a sad mood?

I perform cheer & friendliness, a casual, shallow good humor because generally, I won't talk to another person again and I know better than to ever demonstrate vulnerability to strangers. And everyone's a stranger. I like it that way. I guess. Probably these are defects of the mind! I'll go see this guy and maybe they'll fix me so I'm 100% always delightful instead of like, 5% and 95% bitter recluse.

I'm on the bump from having healed though - flush with good feelings - and so, like, weird.

I was/am working on the spellbook about Healing Magic- so that's a weird box of thoughts. Because what does it mean to have good health - to be whole? Like -if you could be magically cured of things well then who even are you? At the end of that tunnel? And how far down does that all go? When are you really, y'know, cured? What is the self! Health is weirdly linked to identity in a way that's hard to really get to the bottom of. But these are today's thoughts.

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