kingtycoon | (no subject)

I don't know how mad you are but anymore this is my default face. So - I should go into it about my job, complaining - I'll do that immediately & right now. For more than a year we've been doing this software implementation - it's got all kinds of intense deadlines & I've been periodically called to higher & intense action - I kind of gave up on having an easy or nice summer - taking no vacation & attending endless conference calls and managing data migrations. It was pretty intense & especially in August - where I had to stay a week at the hotel & present & train...

In rubble strewn.

Factually I am destroyed. I feel like that's the word for what is happening with my self & life. That I'm all done. Thwarted efforts is the ongoing theme - where hard work amounts to little & every great done thing is done for someone else. So there's a feeling of privation & want, of unseemly helpless attempting. Did you ever do everything and get nothing in return? It's getting to be the story of my life.

I got out my paints and was painting & then didn't even want to. I think that trying - my version of trying, my former drive to attempt & advance by attempting - I think this is drying up. That I'm at the end of trying without getting. So effortless living is the answer that's arrived. Give up on trying and let life pass me by, I'll play video games. (and this is the true antagonism of this - the heavy mass that all dismay revolves around drawn irrevocably toward a drain & circling - which is all of these things, these hopes & dreams - they depend on others and again, and again I recall & am made to know that the root of all these problems is a failing in me - that I need to depend on people, other people and that I don't have whatever it is that causes people to love & trust & follow - and that instead they'll ignore & forget & there it is, all forgotten and nothing comes of any of it. And you want to do something really great and you need other people to do it, but if they can't or won't - you're on your own and there's only so much you can do alone - and not a lot of it is great.)

Anyhow I'm furious and I guess I won't stop being