I Officially Oppose Anne Boleyn Day.

On this Anne Boleyn day I'd like to call your attention to Henry VII.

Now, I'm sure you know who Henry VIII is, you're probably fetishizing one of his wives right now. See if you aren't. Now - you see Henry and you probably think - Hank and you see that VIII and you probably get the impression that dude was lying there at the end of a long line of Henrys that ruled England all on their own. You've somehow forgotten about wikipedia or your constant reliance on the old Facebook for things to care about has dimmed your curiosity - so I'll forgive you your ignorance.

But you'll indulge me of course if I refuse to stand back and allow you to struggle in the darkness and fear of ignorance. You know what? I am pretty heroic* that way.

See Henry VII was the descendant of a line of Kings, sure! Well. Kind of. See, at the time that he forcibly seized the throne of England at the Battle of Bosworth Field his main claim was that he was probably more closely related to Edward III than most other guys. Edward III was of course the King of England a little more than a hundred years before Henry VII decided to take over for himself. So let's be clear - coming to power on the terms of Henry VII is kind of like if William McKinley's great grandson came from Canada with a force of loyalists to set him up as the new president. And then they were successful at doing that. That's a big thing about all of that.

Now, you might, if you're the kind of person who cares about Anne Boleyn, know something about Shakespear, you've probably read or seen some version of Richard III - and so you might have seen Nazi Ian McKellan shooting shit up on the back of a jeep screaming about a horse. True fact - that is exactly how the Battle of Bosworth Field Went. Ian McKellan was defeated by Henry VIII - who, in a scene not displayed, goes on to kind of finish up the war of the Roses and set up a new dynasty in England while reforming the country into something a little less medieval, a little more renaissance. So kind of a real person. A real person in the world.

what do you know - I found some.

Of course in the medieval European world though - so his life was, even as a king of some kind, pretty fucking shitty. True fact, his one son died right after marrying the Spanish Infanta from Aragon - Katherine. Teenaged son getting killed is pretty bad - some stories mention that the kid died after swimming in the filthy Fleet River - that link is pretty amusing - if you like the word offal.

So! What do you do when your teenaged son dies suddenly on his honeymoon and almost sickens his poor wife - a Spanish Princess to death? Probably instead of sending her home right away where she can cry to her parents who after all were just the co-regents of Spain and who might take some time off of pursuing their little hobbies (the Reconquista, the Spanish Inquisition, Colonizing America) to be pretty pissed off about the weird little marginal island country of half savages - instead of sending her home to them? Probably you just make your next son marry her.

Yeah - that's how they do when you're a King it turns out - Sons? Daughters? Breed em like animals! That's what they're for! So in keeping with people's feelings the English kind of kidnapped a Spanish Princess and then basically used her like a gloryhole for English princes. Nice!

As you know - I think most of the things about and from England are shit - so you probably think I'm being less than impartial, but... not so much. No, in fact it's all just that shitty. Poor Catherine of Aragon - couldn't make a son, so her second husband decides that the whole World will fall apart if he doesn't get himself a son to live long enough to replace him. She had a son, sure, but he only lasted about a month - so he really didn't have the opportunity to even die and leave his child bride to his siblings. Nope - instead they just got a daughter- old Henry and Catherine. You can imagine how dismayed you'd be with a daughter if you were the king of something - I mean, especially if you're Henry VIII who gets his dead brother's leftovers - shit I just said without irony that the English monarchy was using Castillian Princesses as gloryholes. So yeah - daughter might not cut it.

Of course the whole time Hank-8 is having it on with some homegrown tramp. Now, sure she got married to him after he denounced Christianity in favor of some other new thing that he pulled out of his ass to justify his marriage to this lady - and what does she do in return? Another Daughter. You can just imagine the various Hapsburgs and Valoises rubbing their mitts saying: "Dibs when you die bro!" Groooosss!

And... Well dude, it's not like this was mysterious stuff going on - this is public news - probably the only actual news you'd ever hear if your lived under the Tudors had to do with the Genital Misadventures of your nation's leadership. And Anne Boleyn - there she goes... She's all: "I. Am. Down."

Here's where I probably diverge from my cohorts - and that's - fame-fucking.

If you're into dudes cause they're famous or rich or you know... Above Average - well then here's the thing: Fuck You. Seriously, Fuck Anne Boleyn.

Meh, I thought maybe I'd have more to say about that - but I'm satisfied really, with just that. Fuck Anne Boleyn.

* I get heroic and pedantic confused sometimes. Just sometimes.