(no subject)

Exhausted now. Really. Lately I've really been on the brink of everything. I'm poised on the precipice. No. No, I'm seeing myself there, thinking about jumping, leaping off into perdition. But really I'm falling, just seeing myself moments ago, where I had been. There are glimpses of hope I suppose, there are times when it does not seem that everything has fallen, the world has fallen and that everything is destroyed or should be. There are occasions when this isn't my reflexive understanding.

Mostly though. I think to myself: "You're just waiting now. Just waiting for it to be over. Finally." And then I imagine what it'll be to be riding the bus nursing bag drinks all night to keep out of the cold. What'll it be to fall to that. Finally.

My father always told me: "You're a bum and you'll be a bum for your whole life." And I think of that now, feeling like - it's not just near, but closing in. I went and saw my mom yesterday - it was my sister's birthday and it went like this.

I went and paid my phone bill and then my phone worked again. Then I ended up down in Parma and wen to my folks house. They had been watching my daughter, my daughter had been staying with them for a few days because I have to work, not that much, but I have to commute too - and that's a thing. So I went to see her, after an absence. They were gone. Their wireless network is not secured though so I checked and they had waited - to email me, finally, till after they knew I wasn't at work. So, having paid my bill I called them.

My sister's birthday you understand. "We're at the restaurant." They tell me. "We'll be back in two or three hours."

"What restaurant?" It's one a few miles down the road. I set off to walk there. They kind of figure out that maybe since they have a car it might be sporting to come and get me halfway. Which is what happens. There it is scowling and weirdness. I try and bring my best face forward. I'm happy to see them. Especially Agatha. But it is weird. They are mad at me? I don't understand. I'm told that my skinnyness is meant to make them feel guilty. I'm told that my walking everywhere or being on the bus or just, I guess, the way I live my life at all - is meant to be some kind of affront.

Don't get me wrong - I'm about a thousand dollars away from where I need to be, I'm near as ever to collapse, but that's the story. Need a thousand dollars, and probably can get it together, but need is need you understand.

Anyway, we're at the chain resteraunt. I've brought another shirt to change into - because I'm smart about how to pack my backpack when the temperature goes to 3 digits. I'm pleasant and good natured and they're? Hostile?

I don't get it. Afterward to my mother's house. I've a plan to stay the night there and come home in the morning - to get my roommate to come and see new apartments with me - we both have to move (which is the source of all my malaise, that and the lack of a permanent job - still - but I got a temporary job and so it's time (finally) to move). Anyhow - my mom comes and is telling me, all confidential on the patio while I smoke - that she defied my request and took daughter to church. I'm unhappy. "It's just danielle that doesn't like her to go to church!" Is her reasoning - so it's okay to go against the kid's mother? I explain that I don't want her to go to church. And it's not that I'm myself opposed to the religious life - but I don't think anyone should be exposed to the evangelical nonsense that goes on in the religious life of my family. I think in a just world their church would be burned down. But anger. So my mom says she's not going to watch Agatha anymore, and that's fine with me - I don't want her to. I've helped her to be included in the kid's life because she is very, very persistent about it - calling me and bugging me every friday, trying to mooch all my time for herself. Which I didn't hate, but certainly wouldn't have chosen.

Then it's grim and unpleasant. I think this is why everyone is mad at me at sister's dinner. I think they're fucking crazy and I think they're terrible people. They talk about things that I... that people shouldn't talk about - they're unrecognizable to me. As people, as people I can tolerate. I'm not angry, not through any of it. Just watching it happen. I can't believe any of it.

I guess there could be details. I guess. But honestly I feel like it's just shameful to them to recount their behavior, to really explain what all happened and was said - I don't want to bring dishonor on my people  - but I feel like they're... dishonorable.  I feel like I don't want to know them.  

I mean I just walked down the street!  I came to say happy birthday and get my kid and say hello and it was... there were things and none of them were the way that they should have been.  It was all wrong and I was sickened.  How's that?  

I have to move out of my current house.  It's a weird situation.  The boss of the house has transformed into a basement troll.  He's fallen into love with someone who is not a good person.  She's not awful, she's just kind of shitty - in the way that I have observed girls from Lake County to be shitty.  But together they form the fucking Voltron of unacceptability.  I mean - at one point it was decided that we're not allowed to have game at our house.  Seriously - that's the sine qua non of our goddammed household.  And also I'm not allowed to bring strange girls around to do my antics with!  How can I live here!  I can't.  And so it's time to go.  I think - I think there's a lot of angst about it now, but that it'll be soothed by absences.  I think that. 

But I mean - I gotta go.  And it's making for some stress for me - and I have a plan and a trajectory and that's all to the good.  And leaving - fine - but I go and see my people, and suddenly - I just want to go all the way away - I want to forget about all of this place, the whole fucking Wasteland and just go where I don't know people and they can't be animalistic and graceless.

So.  So I don't know.  I just don't.