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Neo Tokyo is about to E X P L O D E
Apr. 7th, 2013 09:54 amI just realized that Amiga means girlfriend. It makes some things a little different.
Sometimes, you can see that tiny expression that jumps across a person's face and you know that you are not talking to them about the same thing. I know about this expression, I decided to try and be good at letting it come and go to suit me. Sometimes, I imagine what it's like when there's another person and they see the sudden anger that lasts a moment, the real thing happening. Anyway it always works and the conversation goes the way that I want it to after that. But still, it's a change and a little one that makes the whole thing something else.
The little things that modify the big picture, why not? Why not shouldn't we consider them for a while.
Here are the big things - March happened and it was a main thing. Play, that was the early element, it happened and was... Fine. I spent a lot of time with the girls and Jason - danielle absent because of her own things. But still present in spirit. Everything that is done or said or planned between us is questioned "What will your mom say? Is that okay with your mom?" I'm fortunate and glad that I don't have to answer to that person. So I say - let's go and do what we want. "What about my mom? What will she say?"
I say that I don't care because I don't have to. Organic bread tastes terrible. Steak is awesome. I don't care if your mother pretends its not true. It only confuses me, not a thing I get tripped up about - power plays and confrontations - not that, it confuses me that little kid is so obedient. In particular to her mother.
When I was 10 I figured out how to permanently outwit my parents. I figured out that I had to do a bunch of nonsense in front, but in private could be who I am. Then I just had to figure out how to be very, very private. That worked out alright, but then, I've just turned 38 and so it's been 20 years since I had to answer to those people.
My father, he's a madman. Poor guy, he had that thing where he had a lot of money and confused that with being in charge and respected. Now he has no money and still tries to treat people like he did, it's not going well for him. He refused to come to my birthday party because he didn't like my facebook picture. Seriously. Well - seriously, he probably didn't want to go somewhere with me where I would invite a lot of people and spend money he doesn't have to make those people happy. He's not getting out of the way of my ascending patriarch status, and I'm not bending to the old-school. Not even one tiny bit of consideration.
I do what I want and will never be in trouble. That's what I say and feel. I think it's true. If it isn't, fuck being in trouble anyway. At the end of the party my cousins, all in college, they were over at my house to play games and just roughhouse. One of them, the one I see most often online - he had some questions, about futures, and ideas, he immediately fell in love with my roommates NERO swords and shield, I helped him a little with his form - he was excited to see my shiny Crobat and seemed sorry to leave when it was time to go.
I like that I am this person, in someone's life. The alpha-nerd who can shine the light. No, I don't go to church, no I don't worry about my parents being mad at me, no I don't care about contemporary and fashionable things. No I am not unhappy. No, nothing is fucked. You can have a job and a house and a family and live your life the way you want to and there are consequences but - you can, absolutely, choose to live according to terms that you establish. I don't know or don't think anyone ever demonstrated that to me that well. I don't know when I was able to see this for myself the first time.
I remember starting out in life alone, that there were many affectations, you see this in the bachelor houses everywhere. Maybe you have a bar and a hookah and a lot of pictures - or toys or something - all the conversational items - and these are meant to lure and attract girls. I like that - I like that idea, of the hunting lodge, the trophy case. Of having a place that speaks to a way of life and signals things. So do you end up suiting the house or does the house suit you?
My house is rather dirty. It's finally, today, warm enough, and seemingly going to be warm enough, to start leaving the windows open. There are birds singing and it's astonishing to notice them, after so long, now I'm super-aware of the presence of birds all the time. It makes me pretty happy. A little thing that changes the whole conversation.
For the first time in a long time I can sit on the porch and have some coffee in the morning and plan my moves. This is what is needed when it comes to doing laundry and shaving my head and trimming my beard and nails in a timely way - a pleasant morning respite. You have to have that, or I do, for I am crepescular. The dawn is the best time, and the dusk. So now the blood works its way through me and I'm awake, and soon I'll be walking a lot more, to work and elsewhere and I'll be contented and feel better. Because of a change of 20 or so degrees -the small thing that changes the conversation.
Yesterday I came home with groceries and my key broke off in the lock as I tried to get in. Earlier I'd been considering trying to get a lot of gallium to apply to the wheels of neighborhood cars because I want to destroy cars. Anyhow, this is a kind of psychic revenge or something - because the key gave way like paper and I felt strong, but also - locked out, so I sat on the fire escape with my groceries and made a sandwich and waited for someone who could help me to show up. My roommate, but first the upstairs neighbors. They'd, the night before, spread flower petals over the fire escape, and when the man came by - a nice man who's name I can't recall, he explained his daughter had been in a play. He said her school was some name I couldn't understand or repeat - but I understood it was one of the many jewish schools and I said nothing because though he is a black man, and certainly American of African descent, I am the Arab Christian (non-observant) so I was just happy - because there it is - there's so many kinds of people that there are and can be. So his daughter played Janis Joplin. I cleared the groceries so he could go where he wanted to.
When I got in, I didn't feel like writing or doing laundry or reading. I felt like watching movies on the internet and playing pokemon. Then a new challenger started to IM me on the facebook and I think I'm near to having another love interest this year. That's many, but I am remarkable.
Sometimes, you can see that tiny expression that jumps across a person's face and you know that you are not talking to them about the same thing. I know about this expression, I decided to try and be good at letting it come and go to suit me. Sometimes, I imagine what it's like when there's another person and they see the sudden anger that lasts a moment, the real thing happening. Anyway it always works and the conversation goes the way that I want it to after that. But still, it's a change and a little one that makes the whole thing something else.
The little things that modify the big picture, why not? Why not shouldn't we consider them for a while.
Here are the big things - March happened and it was a main thing. Play, that was the early element, it happened and was... Fine. I spent a lot of time with the girls and Jason - danielle absent because of her own things. But still present in spirit. Everything that is done or said or planned between us is questioned "What will your mom say? Is that okay with your mom?" I'm fortunate and glad that I don't have to answer to that person. So I say - let's go and do what we want. "What about my mom? What will she say?"
I say that I don't care because I don't have to. Organic bread tastes terrible. Steak is awesome. I don't care if your mother pretends its not true. It only confuses me, not a thing I get tripped up about - power plays and confrontations - not that, it confuses me that little kid is so obedient. In particular to her mother.
When I was 10 I figured out how to permanently outwit my parents. I figured out that I had to do a bunch of nonsense in front, but in private could be who I am. Then I just had to figure out how to be very, very private. That worked out alright, but then, I've just turned 38 and so it's been 20 years since I had to answer to those people.
My father, he's a madman. Poor guy, he had that thing where he had a lot of money and confused that with being in charge and respected. Now he has no money and still tries to treat people like he did, it's not going well for him. He refused to come to my birthday party because he didn't like my facebook picture. Seriously. Well - seriously, he probably didn't want to go somewhere with me where I would invite a lot of people and spend money he doesn't have to make those people happy. He's not getting out of the way of my ascending patriarch status, and I'm not bending to the old-school. Not even one tiny bit of consideration.
I do what I want and will never be in trouble. That's what I say and feel. I think it's true. If it isn't, fuck being in trouble anyway. At the end of the party my cousins, all in college, they were over at my house to play games and just roughhouse. One of them, the one I see most often online - he had some questions, about futures, and ideas, he immediately fell in love with my roommates NERO swords and shield, I helped him a little with his form - he was excited to see my shiny Crobat and seemed sorry to leave when it was time to go.
I like that I am this person, in someone's life. The alpha-nerd who can shine the light. No, I don't go to church, no I don't worry about my parents being mad at me, no I don't care about contemporary and fashionable things. No I am not unhappy. No, nothing is fucked. You can have a job and a house and a family and live your life the way you want to and there are consequences but - you can, absolutely, choose to live according to terms that you establish. I don't know or don't think anyone ever demonstrated that to me that well. I don't know when I was able to see this for myself the first time.
I remember starting out in life alone, that there were many affectations, you see this in the bachelor houses everywhere. Maybe you have a bar and a hookah and a lot of pictures - or toys or something - all the conversational items - and these are meant to lure and attract girls. I like that - I like that idea, of the hunting lodge, the trophy case. Of having a place that speaks to a way of life and signals things. So do you end up suiting the house or does the house suit you?
My house is rather dirty. It's finally, today, warm enough, and seemingly going to be warm enough, to start leaving the windows open. There are birds singing and it's astonishing to notice them, after so long, now I'm super-aware of the presence of birds all the time. It makes me pretty happy. A little thing that changes the whole conversation.
For the first time in a long time I can sit on the porch and have some coffee in the morning and plan my moves. This is what is needed when it comes to doing laundry and shaving my head and trimming my beard and nails in a timely way - a pleasant morning respite. You have to have that, or I do, for I am crepescular. The dawn is the best time, and the dusk. So now the blood works its way through me and I'm awake, and soon I'll be walking a lot more, to work and elsewhere and I'll be contented and feel better. Because of a change of 20 or so degrees -the small thing that changes the conversation.
Yesterday I came home with groceries and my key broke off in the lock as I tried to get in. Earlier I'd been considering trying to get a lot of gallium to apply to the wheels of neighborhood cars because I want to destroy cars. Anyhow, this is a kind of psychic revenge or something - because the key gave way like paper and I felt strong, but also - locked out, so I sat on the fire escape with my groceries and made a sandwich and waited for someone who could help me to show up. My roommate, but first the upstairs neighbors. They'd, the night before, spread flower petals over the fire escape, and when the man came by - a nice man who's name I can't recall, he explained his daughter had been in a play. He said her school was some name I couldn't understand or repeat - but I understood it was one of the many jewish schools and I said nothing because though he is a black man, and certainly American of African descent, I am the Arab Christian (non-observant) so I was just happy - because there it is - there's so many kinds of people that there are and can be. So his daughter played Janis Joplin. I cleared the groceries so he could go where he wanted to.
When I got in, I didn't feel like writing or doing laundry or reading. I felt like watching movies on the internet and playing pokemon. Then a new challenger started to IM me on the facebook and I think I'm near to having another love interest this year. That's many, but I am remarkable.
