(no subject)

Fuck yes, let's make out. Let's just make right out - that's my face today.

Try and not mind my more and more absurd beard.

It's November - that means elections, novels and of course - the battle for the interim report-card. My kid... You know, she's inattentive, careless - like that, doesn't do good in school, if she doesn't feel like it. Her mom of course has a yearly conniption about this, calling - straight up calling to scream at me, top volume & cursing - like, it's kinda embarrassing that a grown ass person would carry on that way, but that's dan-Yell for you. Anyhow, the crux of it is that I don't punish & refuse to punish. Punishment being a really unproductive waste of effort & time. I mean, I can see the differences in that Kid's behavior, triggered by her mother's tempestuous and ongoing punishments. You know why a kid has no interest in doing things? Because she knows if she shows an interest, that's something that can be taken away from her. You know why a kid gives up on trying to do things? Because they know that failure will earn them a punishment. I don't punish, punishment is bullshit and it doesn't work to help someone to change their behavior in a useful way. Anyhow, that's her mom's agenda and I feel, more and more, that I have to set these weekends up as a helpful respite from tumult & then spend the rest of my time worrying that that's not enough & that I should feel guilty about letting that kid stay at her mom's house at all.

I wish she'd just stand up to her mother for once- maybe I need to set an example. I don't really want to- but only because every time it's come up, I've seen how the courts and police have dealt with it- they've got their minds made up, it's decided long in advance of any input or conversation on my part. You go to these people begging them to believe you and they don't want to. I bet they'd believe a kid though. Anyhow- punishment.

You take things away, she learns to hide what she likes. You threaten to remove things, she gives up on caring about things. I just hate this weakness of character that her mom wants to enforce on her. I hate that her mother, a villain, has so much bearing on her well being. It hurts me and I haven't been sleeping well.

Gotta go and make my case, again, for not inflicting punishments, for advocating the longer, more arduous path of changing behavior by improving character. That's hard to do and I don't foresee it being taken seriously as a plan. Poor kid. I worry for her future a lot lately. Stupid school.

Then again, I think about all of this and I'm pissed at her about her lack of foresight. We've roleplayed the scenario - "I need you to go to your teacher, practice asking - 'I need to know how I'm doing in this class.'" Kid played along, but I bet she just forgot, or didn't feel like paying attention - I don't mind if she fucks up at school - but I can't abide when she doesn't even know that she is. Her lack of awareness about events - that really gets to me and I can't really explain what causes that or prescribe a real remedy. Long walks? We walk around a lot and I try to get her to notice things around us - a lot of times she has a better eye than me, but not usually. I think I might be very perceptive though - I don't know. I'm pretty low about this altogether. I don't like getting screamed at by Dan-Yell, I always feel like I'm going to have a stroke, like, out of anger - I can feel myself burning up with hatred about it. Terrible people.