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So it's saturday night, envision it with me, saturday night at the Grog Shop, I'm there for a hip hop act's album release party. I've forgotten that hip hop acts have ten opening acts so all of the features on the record have their own chance to go. The sessions are short but they keep on demanding everyone get to the front row. I'm there in alliance with a bunch of lesbians who are there in support of lesbians - the dudes rapping on the stage barely stand a chance. I stay at the bar where things are good. I stay in the back anyway because it's a dick move to stand in front of people when you're imposing. I think I stand in front for Melt Banana - I think that's the only thing I've been a dick about - wanting to be up close to see that shit for real. Everyone wants to touch my embroidered dinner jacket. It was shockingly inexpensive from china. It's nice looking though and everyone wants to touch it. If you buy your dinner jacket from china you must anticipate the strange humiliation of buying XXXXXXL sizes. Downstairs is the silent disco again. I think it's a clever idea but also not one I've enjoyed in practice. But you can stand in the plaza and see them down there through the window. They've got skeletons for decoration. I mention to one of my friends who's about skeletons that really there are many dozens of skeletons, living skeletons. I can't stop thinking about monsters.
Also I'm ridiculously drunk. Extravagantly so. It's getting snowy & the headlining act comes up at midnight. Snow is better than rain but it's very snowy - by about 1 I've decided I'm done & walk home in the snow. There's footprints in the dark but I don't see who it is I'm following. Footprints in snow like postcards from strangers. At home I'm done & collapse into somnolence. It's okay sleeping.
In the morning previous I'd been coaxed into drinking kinda hard. Saturday. All week I'd been planning to take my mother out for her birthday - just a little. My aunt would visit with my father - they have a good rapport, having been children together and now being, I dunno. Dying? I guess. Together. Since auntie will be with father mother can leave him and so I said I'd take her out - it being her birthday. I call in the morning & she says (and you can hear the smile in her voice as she thinks of the horror & death visited upon the helpless) - that a boy in my niece's 1st grade class has come down with an unfortunate case of the brain cancer and that the school (which is part of her church & where I was forced to go as a child) - would have a fund raising carnival & that this is what she wants to go to for her birthday. So I, agreeing to this, fortify my coffee with a fortifying quantity of rye whiskey. In the end we have lunch at a chain restaurant of her choosing - she insists irritatingly that I must buy a car & also one for Agatha. I have a few beers for this. I try to talk to her about her own mother when she turned 73, about her life & birthdays. It comes back to complaints about money, fear of things. I encourage her to find a boyfriend, to date. I have a few beers.
After that it's better than I'd hoped - little sister brings niece by & she and gramma go to the carnival. Sister & I end up going to beauty supply stores & then a bar. More beers, discussion of our brother, our father, her ex, my ex, my brother's ex. She stumbles into talking about god & my presumed need for his grace. It's close to time to go & I catch the bus home a little earlier than is sensible. The sky is turning hostile, clouds & then rain. I've brought my umbrella. I'm home in a few hours - crossing town in a bad mood & sudden heavy rain. The buses of the west side have strange characters & weird idioms.
At home at last the lesbians mention they'd like to hang out - I'm amenable - I want to continue but having frozen in the rain - that will by midnight turn to snow - I'm comforted under blankets watching old cartoons. I never really get up any vigor but go along because they're a good crowd to go along with - though I never do become bouyant or cheerful.
On my birthday that crowd got me out & up to The Good Times - and they gave me mushrooms to hallucinate with as well - as a prize.
At the bar at the hip hop show I go into detail about what they were like. I can't decide if I should have more or better of those. We plan to attend to this project again eventually. I'm a little surprised by their line of questions - having been out & away from drugs for a long time. "Visuals? Lots of body? How long did it last?" I forgot that this is how you think about these things when you think about them a lot.
I tell them that I was lolling on my couch fantastically trying to bend the corners of the room back upon themselves & when I saw why this could not be - I just ended up watching all of the Cresmaster cycle and then wondered about trying to finally see the River of Fundament. Is that a thing you can do? I don't know & forgot to find out.
But that was part of my birthday - 44 now - it's going well enough. I put out a book, but just one little one this month last - the larger project needs attention & the larger project still - upon which other large (but not quite so large) must be built is in constant need of reconstruction. It's hard to explain simply but in the macro scale - I can't make persuasive or effective guides to the Slatewind Valley if I don't have In the Ruins - the actually basis of the Slatewind Valley's statistical reality created satisfactorily first. Revisions & rewrites are ongoing as an effort. They're satisfying but I think that the whole affair will close in upon 1,000 pages. I'm glad that I don't care about this & that I am undaunted as well. It's early spring now & I've walked and walked. So much & pretty far. I'm worried, a little, that my knees will fail, that I'll grow feeble as I age.
Also I'm ridiculously drunk. Extravagantly so. It's getting snowy & the headlining act comes up at midnight. Snow is better than rain but it's very snowy - by about 1 I've decided I'm done & walk home in the snow. There's footprints in the dark but I don't see who it is I'm following. Footprints in snow like postcards from strangers. At home I'm done & collapse into somnolence. It's okay sleeping.
In the morning previous I'd been coaxed into drinking kinda hard. Saturday. All week I'd been planning to take my mother out for her birthday - just a little. My aunt would visit with my father - they have a good rapport, having been children together and now being, I dunno. Dying? I guess. Together. Since auntie will be with father mother can leave him and so I said I'd take her out - it being her birthday. I call in the morning & she says (and you can hear the smile in her voice as she thinks of the horror & death visited upon the helpless) - that a boy in my niece's 1st grade class has come down with an unfortunate case of the brain cancer and that the school (which is part of her church & where I was forced to go as a child) - would have a fund raising carnival & that this is what she wants to go to for her birthday. So I, agreeing to this, fortify my coffee with a fortifying quantity of rye whiskey. In the end we have lunch at a chain restaurant of her choosing - she insists irritatingly that I must buy a car & also one for Agatha. I have a few beers for this. I try to talk to her about her own mother when she turned 73, about her life & birthdays. It comes back to complaints about money, fear of things. I encourage her to find a boyfriend, to date. I have a few beers.
After that it's better than I'd hoped - little sister brings niece by & she and gramma go to the carnival. Sister & I end up going to beauty supply stores & then a bar. More beers, discussion of our brother, our father, her ex, my ex, my brother's ex. She stumbles into talking about god & my presumed need for his grace. It's close to time to go & I catch the bus home a little earlier than is sensible. The sky is turning hostile, clouds & then rain. I've brought my umbrella. I'm home in a few hours - crossing town in a bad mood & sudden heavy rain. The buses of the west side have strange characters & weird idioms.
At home at last the lesbians mention they'd like to hang out - I'm amenable - I want to continue but having frozen in the rain - that will by midnight turn to snow - I'm comforted under blankets watching old cartoons. I never really get up any vigor but go along because they're a good crowd to go along with - though I never do become bouyant or cheerful.
On my birthday that crowd got me out & up to The Good Times - and they gave me mushrooms to hallucinate with as well - as a prize.
At the bar at the hip hop show I go into detail about what they were like. I can't decide if I should have more or better of those. We plan to attend to this project again eventually. I'm a little surprised by their line of questions - having been out & away from drugs for a long time. "Visuals? Lots of body? How long did it last?" I forgot that this is how you think about these things when you think about them a lot.
I tell them that I was lolling on my couch fantastically trying to bend the corners of the room back upon themselves & when I saw why this could not be - I just ended up watching all of the Cresmaster cycle and then wondered about trying to finally see the River of Fundament. Is that a thing you can do? I don't know & forgot to find out.
But that was part of my birthday - 44 now - it's going well enough. I put out a book, but just one little one this month last - the larger project needs attention & the larger project still - upon which other large (but not quite so large) must be built is in constant need of reconstruction. It's hard to explain simply but in the macro scale - I can't make persuasive or effective guides to the Slatewind Valley if I don't have In the Ruins - the actually basis of the Slatewind Valley's statistical reality created satisfactorily first. Revisions & rewrites are ongoing as an effort. They're satisfying but I think that the whole affair will close in upon 1,000 pages. I'm glad that I don't care about this & that I am undaunted as well. It's early spring now & I've walked and walked. So much & pretty far. I'm worried, a little, that my knees will fail, that I'll grow feeble as I age.
