Preposterous Considerations

It was silly of me to have anxious feelings about all of this. It was a good & very sweet ceremony with the kids all singing & putting on their show- art school!

Kinda sets the mood though, I'd say, to the overall state of interpersonal interactions here and now. Or maybe it just says that I'm a dickhead. Long ago, in undergrad I remember when the university had I wanna say Bill Bennet? Name eludes me but he was some cultural thinker of the xtian right in the 90's and my history student compeers requested I attend & bought me a ticket and then goaded me into yelling at him from the audience. And I did. And I kind of always will. Blowhard is... It's not who I want to be. That's maybe my disphoria? I don't super want to be a big yelling asshole but when you're taller than everyone they want you to speak for them? King Saul all day right - It's just how some things play out. I didn't mean to be brash & aggressive but that's what's expected, slouch into it right? I forget how confident tall men put everyone at ease sometimes. They want you for their team irrespective of your competence and honestly? What is competence anyway? Very subjective but - people like being kind of lorded over more than I dislike lording it over. I don't know - this is dumb to discuss. I'm just saying these are aspects of my character that ended up being more-or-less demanded by physiology. They weren't choices so much as social obligations. But you work with what you have & cobble a self from out of it.

So part of myself is that if nobody else is shouting down the assholes, I feel obliged to do it, and if someone else is already shouting down the assholes, I try to stand near enough to them to give the authority that I just get because biology doesn't make logical thinking machines. So I'm too ready for confrontation and that's in turn making me a blowhard asshole. I've got to give some real thought to how to moderate this & be more agreeable to others. Working on it. Concentration or just avid silence?


Cant' remember when Ludicrous Notions was coined but it's very nearly the family motto. Maybe I'll figure out a nice arabic script of it for crest-style purposes, that & the Robin in the Snow. Ludicrous Notions. They have more to do with how your life is lived than you may know!

Otherwise it's been good feelings all around & generally. Back in the saddle - ran the game for grognards on Weds - big fights & a little scene-eating. I'm content with my alterations to 5e's higher-level character builds. I think I've come close to a nice balance in terms of introducing powerful spectacle without breaking the player dynamics. Think it's going well & have good ideas for a future there.

Back to the tuesday game next week & that I'm looking forward to most. Not just because it's easier online than it is in person. That game's going good places & the portrayals are strong, getting stronger. Good performances from all sides. I needed to rest up and ready myself to give it what it deserves.

Meantime I really must finish a book. I think I'm closer to putting up a real document for Wolf City but out of nowhwere I started thinking about Ghost Jungle of the Elephant God - another worthy project that wants a lot out of me. I can, I should. Get my creative work sorted out, get back on the trolley. Ludicrous Notions indeed.