I too am caught up in mundane details. I feel like I want to focus on bigger things, like 5 year plans...I feel like that is the Thing to Do. What grown-ups do, right? But I always feel like I am chasing my tail around a little 4 foot cage.
Ah, that's not really true, I do have some plans, some goals. I guess it's that they do not seem attainable or achievable right now, and every day, it is a struggle to get through it in some sense, with money worries and laundry and cooking dinner and being nice to my kids and what-not. I just wonder, is it ever going to be easy? I find myself dreaming of being 65 and retiring, I just want to skip over the next 30 years of working and doing, and get to *living*.
But, I mean, I guess the living part is the down and dirty, the what we do every day shit in the trenches of parenthood and work and keeping a house (whatever that may look like.)
I am weary. I go through phases of getting excited about the next new thing, and then it seems like it doesn't pan out, or I get too overwhelmed by the follow-through and then the follow through doesn't happen. I wonder, is this what my parents felt like? Is this what *most people* feel like?
Should every day be a struggle? I think not. But, then again sometimes I am convinced that is what life is. We do our little struggles and we sleep and we eat and we do it again the next day.
God, I sound nihilistic. "I gotta get peace soon." This struck me as funny. I feel that way too. All I want is some peace. To know that i am making the right decisions and that my kids are going to graduate and be okay and grow up and not struggle like this.
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2013-06-25 11:36 pm (UTC)Ah, that's not really true, I do have some plans, some goals. I guess it's that they do not seem attainable or achievable right now, and every day, it is a struggle to get through it in some sense, with money worries and laundry and cooking dinner and being nice to my kids and what-not. I just wonder, is it ever going to be easy? I find myself dreaming of being 65 and retiring, I just want to skip over the next 30 years of working and doing, and get to *living*.
But, I mean, I guess the living part is the down and dirty, the what we do every day shit in the trenches of parenthood and work and keeping a house (whatever that may look like.)
I am weary. I go through phases of getting excited about the next new thing, and then it seems like it doesn't pan out, or I get too overwhelmed by the follow-through and then the follow through doesn't happen. I wonder, is this what my parents felt like? Is this what *most people* feel like?
Should every day be a struggle? I think not. But, then again sometimes I am convinced that is what life is. We do our little struggles and we sleep and we eat and we do it again the next day.
God, I sound nihilistic. "I gotta get peace soon." This struck me as funny. I feel that way too. All I want is some peace. To know that i am making the right decisions and that my kids are going to graduate and be okay and grow up and not struggle like this.