kingtycoon | (no subject) (Reply)

This is the shortest, least traditional haircut of this kid so far. Big day - 1st day of 7th grade yesterday. Everything feels right - like falling back into step. Lazy weekends will seem earned - well for her, for me - I've fucking earned them.

Work being very workful all of a sudden. That's a bit on the displeasing side & today is the laziest day of the days possible- the day before payday - the longest stretch between checks - where motivation is at it's lowest ebb. I have to get back into a mercenary attitude about my work. I started to care about it, its success & failure as a part of my effort. You can't do that, they pay you to do a thing. If someone else pays more you have to go. That's the right way to think - but I have to help out with this project, I have work that needs doing - that's where I've landed, but I'm so far in now that I feel like I've woken up again. Also that project is mainly done. I should look around a little, see if I can't get a better situation staked out.

The other night a friend from the past came by and I was taking her up to the neighbor's house - having offered to feed their high-charisma cats while they were vacationing at the waterpark. I explain how I like visiting them but that every night there's this ordeal of their little daughter - who cannot-will-not go to bed. "Was Agatha that way?" I feel like sometimes - maybe yes. "Every time dude, it was nerve wracking every night. Every night." So bright side for the young parents - you forget the bad parts - evidently - it gets easier & you care less. In retrospect young A only learned to love sleep when she started school. Is it age or enforced tedium? I still feel guilty that she goes to school, I still feel like it's the best of vanishingly few options.

Little & Big - the neighborhood gods came again to see us & bark - Yip-Yip-Yip WOOF. Little & Big are the neighborhood kami, the local god manifested in multiple forms - it's the identity that I/we invented to have. You do that - you create the idea & plant it in your thoughts like a seed - and then you Baader-Meinhoff yourself into mystical transcendence. Creating these deliberate orientations creates a new perceptual paradigm & there you go - being a wizard. So I don't think right or left now, I think Right/Left/Big&Little - it's a cardinal & personal direction. For the year or summer.

I try and get over talking about smallness - little kid stuff with little kid. Since she's about a teenager - I reminisce but ask forgiveness for it. It's just that I'm big & you're little - the years go by so fast & changes come so quick. It's by accident I think about how you were and not always how you are. I'll try and let you live down your childhood. I'll try. It's hard though. And maybe that's a problem of memyselfandi - thinking of childhood as a thing to get over and try & forget. I guess some people have fond feelings about the times before they were adults. Weirdos.

But retrospect is the easy thing now - I followed Sholanda's lead & read back over old entries - 2007 and look at how I was, it's strange that it's so long ago now, and strange that I was doing what I did. The last years have been tumult & craze & finally finding a port to be moored in. But looking back there used to be a broader streak of activity & friendly activity - groups & crowds & that identity - which is all-gone. I've very few complaints about being a solitary fellow, it's really & truly gratifying but it's telling to see that that's the change made. I blame too much work & too little time. It can't possibly be that I've grown older & that I'm somehow less vivacious, somehow less spry. No.