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Sep. 13th, 2017 12:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kingtycoonSo I was dead certain that I fucked things up irrovocably with Chicago. We'd had a few terse conversations where our differences were more glaring & our similarities weren't comforting. And then it got a little tense in a practical way because of some business with a flight being twice canceled & meciding not to take chances - me knowing well enough when I've been cursed. So this seems to have been too disappointing to bear & when I unexpectedly could run out there two weeks later & she put me off, saying it was too upsetting because of previous mixups I kind of took my ball home & decided not to play. Which was most of the last 2-3 weeks. I guess. I think it's been that long. The problem though is that - well, in that time (and I don't even really know the date, she's not real forthcoming about it) she turned 40 and I didn't call. Send flowers. Make a presennt. Buy a present. Go & visit. Take her someplace. I mean - quite without intending to I fucked that all up good & true.
Well I went out - last night, with my old friends - one of whom is in town from across the sea and so we had a nice time in the distant countryside outside the city & I got pretty puzzled on pumpkin style beers. My driver back home was a... not awesome lady so I had little to say & went about fucking around on my phone - so naturally dipsomania turns a middle-aged-man's fancy toward thoughts of love. I try hitting her up and end up following through with some brief text messaging. I lay apology down pretty hard & very sincerely, completely. I was a heel, that's true.
This morning it comes back to me and she's got the paragraph long litany of problems without solutions that she wants to discuss ad infinitum. Which I haven't even minded, too much, as a thing that she does. But you know - a bit of distance & then you're braced by what it is that you've finally become. What have I become! To listen only to ceaseless depressing tales of insufficiency. I think I like a lady who's got it figured out. I think that I ended up prefering competence & plans. But still, attachments.
So I wasn't utterly without a scheme, you see, because Thanksgiving is coming (and I hate it) so I'm looking for a thing to do besides & landed on a cabin in the Hocking Hills - which I'll away to for the long weekend. Should be nice. Should be great. I figured I'd invite her, maybe I even will still, but the instinct to contact her came from my plan, and as soone as we went back to talking I wasn't at all sure that that's what I wanted to do. With her, I mean.
So that's all a part of it.
Well I went out - last night, with my old friends - one of whom is in town from across the sea and so we had a nice time in the distant countryside outside the city & I got pretty puzzled on pumpkin style beers. My driver back home was a... not awesome lady so I had little to say & went about fucking around on my phone - so naturally dipsomania turns a middle-aged-man's fancy toward thoughts of love. I try hitting her up and end up following through with some brief text messaging. I lay apology down pretty hard & very sincerely, completely. I was a heel, that's true.
This morning it comes back to me and she's got the paragraph long litany of problems without solutions that she wants to discuss ad infinitum. Which I haven't even minded, too much, as a thing that she does. But you know - a bit of distance & then you're braced by what it is that you've finally become. What have I become! To listen only to ceaseless depressing tales of insufficiency. I think I like a lady who's got it figured out. I think that I ended up prefering competence & plans. But still, attachments.
So I wasn't utterly without a scheme, you see, because Thanksgiving is coming (and I hate it) so I'm looking for a thing to do besides & landed on a cabin in the Hocking Hills - which I'll away to for the long weekend. Should be nice. Should be great. I figured I'd invite her, maybe I even will still, but the instinct to contact her came from my plan, and as soone as we went back to talking I wasn't at all sure that that's what I wanted to do. With her, I mean.
So that's all a part of it.
