kingtycoon | (no subject) (Reply)

A day off in the middle of the week makes it seem like a long time has transpired. I’ve been having a strange relationship with experienced time lately. Boredom? Here’s what happened.

Last week I kind of finished In The Ruins and produced a hardbound copy for proofing purposes. It’s almost 600 pages & I’m not sure but I think I might just be crazy. I sent a copy to Mordicai too, cause he’d say: You shouldn’t have done this if I shouldn’t have. Probably.

So that’s part of it all, making something preposterous, huge & serious & then not even knowing. Not even sure if you feel accomplished about it or shamed. On Saturday I got up early to go and march. Young A was called for softball and begged off of marching – or well, got sidelined by the beseeching coach. I didn’t have the heart to explain that the coach’s job is not a voluntary job, nor the umpire – these people get paid & for them to get paid they put the pressure on this one poor kid. Not the other 4 who’d already said they wouldn’t go. Anyhow, she says Softball, I say March – cause, fuck it, someone’s got to fight the ‘ol Gubmint. May as well be me.

Meet up with Brandi there – she’s won an election for the central committee for the county’s democratic party – she won by 40 votes – of the 47 that were cast. I have no idea what this position is, It looks like fewer than 50 people even know what it is. But she won for her precinct & gets to help set the county party’s tone. The march wasn’t a march but a rally – a lot of people speaking, some actually pretty good.

In the past there were pro-immigrant rallies, I remember them from years ago – and I jumped up and got ready to go & then all the reporting etc… was Spanish, about latin americans & so on – I felt waved off. And there weren’t too many people there to talk about immigrants from elsewhere – not that this is a complaint, I understand that there are majorities within minority groups. But there was an arab speaker for once & I was pleased. South Asians later? Maybe east Asians one day? There’s a lot of cynicism in my interpretation of these things. A lot of immigrants from the old world, they’re more interested in assimilating or staying in enclaves. What I’ve observed is that a major part of assimilation into American culture is to adopt racism, as it’s a central component of the American identity.

The news was not too much about rallying, mainly they talked about LeBron. I sass Agatha about softball – “See, sports always comes first!” Though she was guilted into going & resentful about it. This is the purpose & style of my sass. “I wouldn’t make fun about it if I really thought you felt that way.” That’s my way. I wouldn’t make fun about real-stuff.

It’s hot – too hot after rallying & walking up tall hills to do much but collapse & sweat. I do that for a while & then, come nightfall go to dance at the silent disco with Esther.

It’s weird, thinking of it, that I hang out so much with my ex-girlfriends. The silent disco is an interesting idea & I dance like a fool for a while. Till around 1, maybe a little later – slip out the back. Never self-conscious about dancing. Just about the books & art I make. What does it mean?

So Sunday I have ideas but we don’t get to them. I was thinking kayak picnic, taco restaurant & gramma’s house. But the day starts too late & is too hot & young A is down with ladystuff. So I just walk around & get food & prizes and then come & stay home.

On Monday I have a lottery at work and hand out old iphones & laptops. Mainly people end up pretty happy. I didn’t win anything but don’t mind much. There’s going to be another one sooner than later- I’ve only barely dug myself out from under all this inventory as it is.

After that my boss takes me to see the old man I used to go to see all the time. I think a lot about saying something about something and then don’t. I feel like I want to tell my boss – “Larry thinks there might one day be sex. There will never be sex.” But I think my boss gets it. He understands a little.

Stupid old man pushed up on me and now I don’t want to be his friend. Took it too far little old man.

I peel off of our meeting and go to the therapist. This is my second ever appointment. I talk for a while, I get into these ideas of what constitutes success. Even when I was kind of wealthy I veered away from that word. I still don’t know how to take it and it’s probably telling that I still think of it in terms of being rich. He talks me into a headspace about success being the completion of objectives. Probably this is why I’m so confounded by this books business – because I set out as a goal to write a good book. And I always fall short.

Albert Pinkham Ryder – I have to think about that for a while. Him. Maybe I’ll go see Death at the Racetrack soon. Get wise.

4^th of July I lay on my couch and played video games all day. I don’t care & didn’t care and avoided obligation & human contact like a fucking hero.