My Emotions
Jan. 18th, 2021 01:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)

I had a little bit of a journey amidst my journeys. Had to go to see my mother and took bus & train across town to get home. I've not been on the train since sometime early last year, maybe since March. Maybe before. I haven't been downtown. Haven't been anywhere but home & work. It was all work & home & then deep down into the mind. Vidyagame & couch time. It's been a weird year.
After work, new work in PA I stop at the Stout's house on the way home. "I can't believe it's illegal to drink when you drive." I say, shook from the tense trip through the snow & ice & mountians. "I need a stiff whiskey after that, it's crazy!" I announce, pedestrianly. I don't know. I could go to the car as a lifestyle but I think I'd best not. I think it gives me tension & displeasure.
Plus fatness of the homebound orderer of food has got to me. We walked together, me and A - back on the 23rd. Last day of the year to go to Tommy's and we did. C19 or not, we'd missed it & hadn't been out to dine in a year, missed our ways & our lives. Meantime I am on the bus each day past 2 hospitals for my previous & wicked job. She at the public market for her own job. Job haver.
Safety isn't a real true thing, it's a story you tell yourself about how death is not inevitable & how you'll somehow have grace through the cascading humiliations inflicted by nature. But there's still good form & proper action - there's yet the grace that we're afforded by cooperation. So it's been with caution & good sense that I act all this year.
And yet, there's always someone. You talk to the others in the world and hear how they've responded. Every time I think I've been wise & cautious I talk to someone else who's been doubly sequestered, triply contianed. I can't tell if I've done barely enough or too much & it's always a matter of discussion with others. And among the others there's always those that claim it fake & unreal.
My old boss insisted, and his boss held it to be a hoax against the president. And so did madmen on the bus, mismatched shoes & raving. Yet others held that the world would end in coughing fits & miserable darkness. What's right?
It's all concealed & unreal. A dream that goes on & invades waking life. Like towers lost in fog that march away to the sea.