Jan. 4th, 2016

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I think this is the 4th time I've done this? 4 days? I left it at work so I didn't look at it over the long weekend.

I read this and thought - well that didn't take long. To piss me all off. I hate the quitter attitude & bullshit handwashing that's the essence of the protestant ethos. It breeds a whole complacent smugness that just infuriates me. "Let's accept that ignorance & indolence are the only proper choices in a world that is shit."

And then. Well, it's fucking cold outside. It's cold & dreary and I don't want to go outside. The fucking winter did this to me. It's winter again & there you go - there's no right thing to do - everything is terrible - best to just stay inside and be lazy.

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It's a new year and earnest hearts must turn to self reflection. The truth is - I ain't done shit to speak of in a year. Maybe I needed a rest? Maybe I needed to just brood in my own situation, maybe I needed to overcome heartbreak - I don't fucking know. Here's how it felt though:

I never felt great about the things I was doing - I did something that I thought I wanted to do and it was fine - something to pass the time - and I'd feel the same as I would if I just did nothing at all. I'd go visit my neighbors and try and engage with them and have the nice time performing our hobbies- and then I'd feel like I wasn't really enjoying myself - and then I'd go home and play some game and then I'd feel like I wasn't really enjoying myself - it's all just passing time. That's where I am. I don't know what that even means. Paint a picture? It's a workmanlike enterprise that offers nothing the self. Go to work? It's a bland & straightforward task that offers no nourishment to the self. I mean - I don't fucking know. Maybe it's all just too easy - maybe I'm getting too relaxed.

It could actually be that.

Bridget came back for the new year and we had a day and night to hang out. I'm a welcome stop on her tour of the people.
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At my house I give her a wizard robe from Uzbekistan, we drink coffee from Ethiopia mixed with Whiskey from, Ohio, actually - then there's watching cartoons and some light crafting - I get out some extra-old-old photobooks about a hunting trip I think one of my mother's uncles went on - black & white, the whole thing - we write parts of stories on the backs and then plot to leave them laying around the party we end up going to.

I mean - it's all quite nice and I feel... The same. So maybe I am just blissed out all the time and content to the point that nothing is actually very compelling. B says my house is the chillest place she can think of - and I mean - I don't even smoke grass or nothing. Just easy good times man. Among my fucking weird affectations.

Anyhow. Sometimes I miss the Lemonmerchant - that guy. But still - he used to come up with a prediction for every year - he'd say this is a year of xyz quality. Previous examples - "thwarted efforts" & "unwished for changes"

I got nothing to say about what the future will be. If heaven is a place where nothing ever happens, if insulating yourself with distractions to the point of numbness is the the way of things maybe I need to embrace hardships? I don't know. Maybe I'll walk home today.

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