Jan. 27th, 2016

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So here's something that's been on my mind.  This year is Agatha's 13th birthday, who can believe that right?  13 years with this kid and they've been solid.  Good.

I'm thinking about things, about myself, and there is a way that I am which is resistant against external control.  I just don't like it, I have probably a crazy contempt for authority, and I become angry, angry with physical manifestations - like I feel my heart will burst - if I'm questioned, if I'm told what to do.  These are things about me that I don't dislike but don't really foster - they're kind of innate I guess - "they came with the frame".  Now, if you have love in your heart you can get fucked - it's a lever that can move you no matter what, it's a snare that you get caught in, it's a trap that holds you down.  See, I'm probably terrible - this is a terrible thing to think about but...  Look I eat a mile of shit every week, I walk to her (fucking asshole) mother's house to get her, I walk her back to her (fucking asshole) mother's house.  I make the effort & take the piss.  I really don't like it and I really feel like a fox who wants to chew it's own paw off to escape the trap.

That kid is 13 this year.  That's 5 more years.  People talk & ask - I'm asked-  "What's your 5 year plan?"  Well.  In 5 years I can carry out my plan.  That's crazy right?  I have a real timetable associated with what's to come - when it's not just up to me and a judge or whathaveyou - It'll be adults with adult relationships who do what they want.  It's hard to express this because it's a LOT of feelings & they tend to invovle a lot of doubt, guilt, love & anger - but the culmination of these things is that there's a different relationship down the road - and it's one where I'm not the only responsible party - get me?

So in 5 years, what am I going to be doing?  What's my aspiration.  I have to really consider this now.

Kind of top of my list is to leave Cleveland and I don't say that just because it's January.

Still, someplace warm, where the living is easy, someplace where I can walk & the public transit's pretty good.  I'm resourceful about work, I probably will be in 5 years too, so someplace that needs cool guys to fix electronics.  I think if I plan it up right I'll do real good.  I'm thinking about it, and I have to think of goals now - which, I'd honestly left by the wayside, for a while.  Just maintaining and keeping up has been the move, and then, and then...

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