Apr. 20th, 2016

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It seems likely that I've become too weird. I think I blame public transit. Y'know - most of the time people think I'm nutty for not having or wanting a car - that's one thing, but not a big thing, not the thing that's making me too weird. Really it's that there are people, the regular people that I ride with. For a few years now its a samey crowd of same-faces and I don't talk to them.

Early on I figured out that if you become acquainted with the other commuters then you're into a place where you're having a conversation every day. I don't want to have a conversation every day I want to read in silence. So I read in silence and give off my vibe of disengagement. So that's my way.

But when you commit to that - when you commit to the idea that you don't want to talk to people you're really giving away a bunch of things. First - that I don't think I'll have much to talk about - which is true. I know a lot, and heck I'm interested in even more, but those itches get scratched often enough without me seeking it out. Back when I worked in stores I'd have to prepare and accept that every day there would be a bunch of lonesome old men with longwinded pointless stories looking to just talk at you. Every day. I got pretty put off by it - this need for company that you see among the aged. My social outlets are kind of full up, I don't want for interactions, well. That's not quite true either. The thing is, you can't count on people to be interesting, and I can't count on myself to fake interest. So - disengagement.

That's always been a thing for me, I don't share the American enthusiasm for closeness and find the idea of talking about personal details with strangers, with friends even - it's just unappealing. Dignity is one of those things that nobody cares to have or keep and I'm persistently surprised by it. Dignity is the thing that keeps you from begging for money or telling someone about your illnesses or crying or bothering people about buying things from you. It's something worth having but which is easy to lose & hard to create. It's something I care about having and something no one else seems to want - so that's strange, that's weird.

You mash these things together, disengagement & stoicism and there you are - the self-made outsider. Now, that is fine, that is fine too. The reason it's possibly arising as a problem is that once that is your constructed persona - it's basically impossible to work against that mold - now you're peculiar, quiet & reserved so jumping into random socialization is too remarkable and can't be construed as casual.

See, thinking about this at all, that's what's weird - to think about re-engaging with people, about making new friends. Probably some of this could be addressed by having a roommate again. I should consider. Then again. Inevitable betrayals & so on - roommates, they all want to quit households to form romantic partnerships, they are fools!

...

Okay. Okay, get it together. I paid my taxes, and that made me feel like a regular. I am thinking about being regular and it's confusing - I told Agatha, look, I have a job and it's regular, pay my bills an that's regular but to me, in my heart this is me having dropped out of society. This is my version of being a cabin-dwelling-loner.

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