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Feb. 20th, 2012 04:25 pmAnd into rest without respite.
These are the things.
1) Friday night young Agatha had a kind of freakout. She refused to eat her chops and her carrots which were heavily gingered and quite exquisite. I said: "If you made a picture for me and I asked you if I could just throw it away - you'd be insulted, so please eat what I made for you." This culminated in a big bout of tears and horror - she demanded that I tell her terrible things about her, like, demanded that I call her a jerk and a spoiled brat. I said: "I will never say those things because they are not true." And I laughed at spoiled brat. "I raised a bunch of other kids, you're very kind, a little aloof, indifferent even, and you're dreamy and accidentally insensitive, which I understand completely, but you're not even a little bit unkind, and you certainly aren't spoiled. Your parents are too broke for you to be spoiled." This all led to an emotional digression on her troubles at school. I plainly cannot understand why her mother insists she go to school at all, not that I mention this specifically, but I really don't understand it. School? It's a big waste of time and effort - that's what my masters degree in education has revealed to me. But we had a long talk and my instruction to her that she look at the other kids as unfinished, proto-people went over well. "You don't get hurt feelings when a dog barks at you, you shouldn't get hurt feelings when kids act mean or stupidly, they have to go to school to learn how to be people - because they aren't yet. Don't be hurt by the barking of dogs and the screeching of birds." Because though I am not purely misanthropic, the person is a perfectible idea! I am... pessimistic about the kinds of people that emerge left to the lowest common denominator. After that things were better.
2) Everything fun to do was closed today so we stayed home and played videogames and watched Avatar.
3) I spent a long time cleaning my wrecked room and making it nice. I got no pleasure from this and realized that sometimes I might be alive and do things only because of the people that depend on me to do them. I tried to taste the existential joy of accomplishment and the nutritious fruit of tasks completed and order imposed. Bitter ashes. Who the fuck cares. I thought - I want to sleep and sleep forever because I only like sleeping.
4) I tore up a painting because it was messed up and I messed it up and had no good idea. I got pretty upset about having no good ideas because for about a month I was all ideas and I like that. I've been pretty inspired and I made a new game out of nothing and rebooted my sunday game with exciting new twists and turns and then I sketched out a plot for my next book and started working on an unrelated idea and was really coming alive with my painting project. And now I feel empty and uninspired and I hate that.
5) I realized that I would just drink tonight and listen to the radio and would be pretty torn up about just everything and agonize over all my failings because of no reason at all.
6) Tomorrow I want to bite the world in that way that you get ahold of a thing in your teeth and there's the satisfaction of some long-ago sensation, like instinct, something deep and inherited from the fishes. And I want to bear down into that and chew a hole in existence. That's what I want.
7) Sometimes I mutter to myself 'what do you want what do you want what do you want." Because i want to know. I guess that's why. This is what I want: Not to have moods and temperaments. Also to bite a hole in the universe.
These are the things.
1) Friday night young Agatha had a kind of freakout. She refused to eat her chops and her carrots which were heavily gingered and quite exquisite. I said: "If you made a picture for me and I asked you if I could just throw it away - you'd be insulted, so please eat what I made for you." This culminated in a big bout of tears and horror - she demanded that I tell her terrible things about her, like, demanded that I call her a jerk and a spoiled brat. I said: "I will never say those things because they are not true." And I laughed at spoiled brat. "I raised a bunch of other kids, you're very kind, a little aloof, indifferent even, and you're dreamy and accidentally insensitive, which I understand completely, but you're not even a little bit unkind, and you certainly aren't spoiled. Your parents are too broke for you to be spoiled." This all led to an emotional digression on her troubles at school. I plainly cannot understand why her mother insists she go to school at all, not that I mention this specifically, but I really don't understand it. School? It's a big waste of time and effort - that's what my masters degree in education has revealed to me. But we had a long talk and my instruction to her that she look at the other kids as unfinished, proto-people went over well. "You don't get hurt feelings when a dog barks at you, you shouldn't get hurt feelings when kids act mean or stupidly, they have to go to school to learn how to be people - because they aren't yet. Don't be hurt by the barking of dogs and the screeching of birds." Because though I am not purely misanthropic, the person is a perfectible idea! I am... pessimistic about the kinds of people that emerge left to the lowest common denominator. After that things were better.
2) Everything fun to do was closed today so we stayed home and played videogames and watched Avatar.
3) I spent a long time cleaning my wrecked room and making it nice. I got no pleasure from this and realized that sometimes I might be alive and do things only because of the people that depend on me to do them. I tried to taste the existential joy of accomplishment and the nutritious fruit of tasks completed and order imposed. Bitter ashes. Who the fuck cares. I thought - I want to sleep and sleep forever because I only like sleeping.
4) I tore up a painting because it was messed up and I messed it up and had no good idea. I got pretty upset about having no good ideas because for about a month I was all ideas and I like that. I've been pretty inspired and I made a new game out of nothing and rebooted my sunday game with exciting new twists and turns and then I sketched out a plot for my next book and started working on an unrelated idea and was really coming alive with my painting project. And now I feel empty and uninspired and I hate that.
5) I realized that I would just drink tonight and listen to the radio and would be pretty torn up about just everything and agonize over all my failings because of no reason at all.
6) Tomorrow I want to bite the world in that way that you get ahold of a thing in your teeth and there's the satisfaction of some long-ago sensation, like instinct, something deep and inherited from the fishes. And I want to bear down into that and chew a hole in existence. That's what I want.
7) Sometimes I mutter to myself 'what do you want what do you want what do you want." Because i want to know. I guess that's why. This is what I want: Not to have moods and temperaments. Also to bite a hole in the universe.
