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Feb. 20th, 2012 04:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kingtycoonAnd into rest without respite.
These are the things.
1) Friday night young Agatha had a kind of freakout. She refused to eat her chops and her carrots which were heavily gingered and quite exquisite. I said: "If you made a picture for me and I asked you if I could just throw it away - you'd be insulted, so please eat what I made for you." This culminated in a big bout of tears and horror - she demanded that I tell her terrible things about her, like, demanded that I call her a jerk and a spoiled brat. I said: "I will never say those things because they are not true." And I laughed at spoiled brat. "I raised a bunch of other kids, you're very kind, a little aloof, indifferent even, and you're dreamy and accidentally insensitive, which I understand completely, but you're not even a little bit unkind, and you certainly aren't spoiled. Your parents are too broke for you to be spoiled." This all led to an emotional digression on her troubles at school. I plainly cannot understand why her mother insists she go to school at all, not that I mention this specifically, but I really don't understand it. School? It's a big waste of time and effort - that's what my masters degree in education has revealed to me. But we had a long talk and my instruction to her that she look at the other kids as unfinished, proto-people went over well. "You don't get hurt feelings when a dog barks at you, you shouldn't get hurt feelings when kids act mean or stupidly, they have to go to school to learn how to be people - because they aren't yet. Don't be hurt by the barking of dogs and the screeching of birds." Because though I am not purely misanthropic, the person is a perfectible idea! I am... pessimistic about the kinds of people that emerge left to the lowest common denominator. After that things were better.
2) Everything fun to do was closed today so we stayed home and played videogames and watched Avatar.
3) I spent a long time cleaning my wrecked room and making it nice. I got no pleasure from this and realized that sometimes I might be alive and do things only because of the people that depend on me to do them. I tried to taste the existential joy of accomplishment and the nutritious fruit of tasks completed and order imposed. Bitter ashes. Who the fuck cares. I thought - I want to sleep and sleep forever because I only like sleeping.
4) I tore up a painting because it was messed up and I messed it up and had no good idea. I got pretty upset about having no good ideas because for about a month I was all ideas and I like that. I've been pretty inspired and I made a new game out of nothing and rebooted my sunday game with exciting new twists and turns and then I sketched out a plot for my next book and started working on an unrelated idea and was really coming alive with my painting project. And now I feel empty and uninspired and I hate that.
5) I realized that I would just drink tonight and listen to the radio and would be pretty torn up about just everything and agonize over all my failings because of no reason at all.
6) Tomorrow I want to bite the world in that way that you get ahold of a thing in your teeth and there's the satisfaction of some long-ago sensation, like instinct, something deep and inherited from the fishes. And I want to bear down into that and chew a hole in existence. That's what I want.
7) Sometimes I mutter to myself 'what do you want what do you want what do you want." Because i want to know. I guess that's why. This is what I want: Not to have moods and temperaments. Also to bite a hole in the universe.
These are the things.
1) Friday night young Agatha had a kind of freakout. She refused to eat her chops and her carrots which were heavily gingered and quite exquisite. I said: "If you made a picture for me and I asked you if I could just throw it away - you'd be insulted, so please eat what I made for you." This culminated in a big bout of tears and horror - she demanded that I tell her terrible things about her, like, demanded that I call her a jerk and a spoiled brat. I said: "I will never say those things because they are not true." And I laughed at spoiled brat. "I raised a bunch of other kids, you're very kind, a little aloof, indifferent even, and you're dreamy and accidentally insensitive, which I understand completely, but you're not even a little bit unkind, and you certainly aren't spoiled. Your parents are too broke for you to be spoiled." This all led to an emotional digression on her troubles at school. I plainly cannot understand why her mother insists she go to school at all, not that I mention this specifically, but I really don't understand it. School? It's a big waste of time and effort - that's what my masters degree in education has revealed to me. But we had a long talk and my instruction to her that she look at the other kids as unfinished, proto-people went over well. "You don't get hurt feelings when a dog barks at you, you shouldn't get hurt feelings when kids act mean or stupidly, they have to go to school to learn how to be people - because they aren't yet. Don't be hurt by the barking of dogs and the screeching of birds." Because though I am not purely misanthropic, the person is a perfectible idea! I am... pessimistic about the kinds of people that emerge left to the lowest common denominator. After that things were better.
2) Everything fun to do was closed today so we stayed home and played videogames and watched Avatar.
3) I spent a long time cleaning my wrecked room and making it nice. I got no pleasure from this and realized that sometimes I might be alive and do things only because of the people that depend on me to do them. I tried to taste the existential joy of accomplishment and the nutritious fruit of tasks completed and order imposed. Bitter ashes. Who the fuck cares. I thought - I want to sleep and sleep forever because I only like sleeping.
4) I tore up a painting because it was messed up and I messed it up and had no good idea. I got pretty upset about having no good ideas because for about a month I was all ideas and I like that. I've been pretty inspired and I made a new game out of nothing and rebooted my sunday game with exciting new twists and turns and then I sketched out a plot for my next book and started working on an unrelated idea and was really coming alive with my painting project. And now I feel empty and uninspired and I hate that.
5) I realized that I would just drink tonight and listen to the radio and would be pretty torn up about just everything and agonize over all my failings because of no reason at all.
6) Tomorrow I want to bite the world in that way that you get ahold of a thing in your teeth and there's the satisfaction of some long-ago sensation, like instinct, something deep and inherited from the fishes. And I want to bear down into that and chew a hole in existence. That's what I want.
7) Sometimes I mutter to myself 'what do you want what do you want what do you want." Because i want to know. I guess that's why. This is what I want: Not to have moods and temperaments. Also to bite a hole in the universe.
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no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 12:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:13 am (UTC)Anyhow- I transposed Spider for Crab since PF is not D&D. Drive the differences home! The driders were drihorseshoecrabs.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:16 am (UTC)So were you elfs and spiders before elfs and spiders made a baby called the Drow?
I like Decapod and Isopod - scarier than spiders and scorpions. Also, more plausibly subterranean.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:20 am (UTC)I like wemics for being lion-elves. Like centaurs are horse-men. I want dwarves to be either badger-dwarves or boar-dwarves? & then what? Orcs -> ? Halflings -> ? Halfling-eagles, yeah, that is the ticket.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:24 am (UTC)Okay - So- first off you'd probably love those Drizzzt books if you read them now or would pretend to for people who you want to get in with - but besides:
Never speak to me about Wemics. All of the Tauric races. SR does the best things with them: "These fucking things have 6 limbs but have mamallian characteristics - we don't know what to think about that, but they're probably ants." That's the way to deal with anything 6-legged. After that though - just go crazy. Halflings are already half something -they don't need a new additional half!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:29 am (UTC)I wouldn't actually put the "Tauric" critters in my game-- a word that totally confused me for a while, since "Minotaur" & "centaur" but is just like, greek being shitty & having "taur" mean cow & beast both? I guess that frees me to have wild opinions about them. Wait, I lied, I'd totally put a drider in my game.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:35 am (UTC)Tauric is totally a template that you could, as a 3.5 druid exploit hideously, I know about it. But... But listen. Don't talk about your game - all above the fray and neither condoning or condemning - participate now:
Theorize about the 6 limbed things - the dragons and the centaurs. They're of a type! Of a kind and allied. You agree.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:42 am (UTC)Me, I think: yes. I think: four stars. I think, whatever, I'm enough of an evangelist for the stuff that is important to me that I don't mind liking everything. I will like everything unless it is terrible.
You & your rules exploiting! It has never been a problem for me. More or less-- I mean, Gerd has had too powerful spirits & Sam might have too many prosthetics but whatever-- they are overpowered the way a Shadowrun character might be, where you are like "oh, you are the toughest, but hardly broken." I don't know, if a Player was abusing a rule I'd expect THEM to tell me that it was broken & suggest how to fix it.
Interesting thesis; I won't say dragons, because I don't have dragons but instead have Dragons-- though I think that is sort of brilliant, yeah. Like, that is a wise thought for a "fairyland" or "first world" or something-- the OtherEarth where things have six limbs, so dragons & centaurs & angels? Oh shit.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:47 am (UTC)And don't lecture me about Dragons! I've told you all that they are the Rivers and that the Rivers are the World. Did I pretend or lie about that? I said it. And the mountains are the giants who have swords for fingers and the forest is the woman of birds who beckons, the reverse cuckoo. I said those things! True things!
But if you're looking at powers it's inevitable that you'll love best that which is most. Why be smallish and needing if you can be dirty Apollyon? Announce that love for the broken mechanic misused hatefully and know- not suspect - but Know that no Player, no mere Player is worthy of the efforts of the Dungeon Master. Confess it!
no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 01:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 04:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 11:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 04:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-02-21 05:20 am (UTC)If I didn't have moods and temperments....I don't know. Let's sleep for days.
no subject
Date: 2012-02-22 02:33 am (UTC)