![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Where Does It Go
Sep. 19th, 2017 07:54 pmI've been beating fatigue a little by pushups? It's weird to forget to live & become crazily sedentary - but there you are. Crazily sedentary became the way - all not on purpose. Inertia is a goddammed thing though - it's the worst.
I think about being a parent and having the other, enemy(?) parent, and the constant stupid humiliations that entals, and how I knew this would be what would happen, all those years ago, I could see it clearly. I'm steady, you know, easy. Feelings are fleeting & pleasant but you can't get too far into the weeds with them, just be cool man, be cool. Kiddo though is the hook that bites deep, you're never free after that, no matter how it goes, I guess, I can't see a way that I'd ever be free. You put your heart in another person & that other person is gonna be able to put you on your knees whenever. That's gonna be the handle that anyone can twist you around.
So I knew that, and I think part of my deal as a father has been to kind of steer that kid into a place where she, personally, won't use that against or on me - but also will kind of defend herself so no one else can either. I don't know. This all feels dirty, confessional & bad - but. Eh? Who even reads this right? It's a peaceful place with no one to judge but the tumbleweeds.
Tumbleweeds are from russia. damndest thing isn't it?
But the jumps up - from prepubescent to pubescent - I guess, the jumps in capacity & nerve & skill & attention - it's neat to see but jarring as well. I tell my other friends who's kids won't stop ever sleeping in the bed with them, who sneak in or cry their way in that out of nowhere it just came to an abrupt stop, out of nowhere it was just over & forever, all cold turkey and I felt like... I never liked it that much in the first place, but you get used to something & then, well, sometimes you have to stub out the cigarette a little before you were done smoking it. There's a lot of that, with me. Quitting on things ahead of expectation, but not ahead of desire.
I'm all twisted about work where things have been difficult, for unspecified reasons that I think, are for once, caused by viruses. We'll see. But this project that I initiated years ago & that I've watched get mismanaged into the dirt in all the time since - that seems to finally be coming to fruition and I'm in a weird, confused place, where my part of this big, exciting challenging thing was all completed more than a year ago. So I'm dusting off some old awareness & I sit here and I think - "I should just stop going."
I wonder, really, how long it'd take them to do something about it. If I turned off my phone, stopped taking emails. I wonder if they'd remember to stop contributing to the 401k, if they'd turn off my internet & come around to get my computer. They'll let things slide there, forever & ever. It's fine.
It's easy. It's dead easy - so that's appealing.
But it's where ambition goes to die. I feel the rust growing over me.
And I gotta start, really, putting together moves. 4 years. And then that's it. That kid is grown & can come & go as she see's fit. I can leave the wasteland and seek my own fortune instead of just a comfortable place with/for her that's easy. But maybe I'm withering on the vine.
Maybe I'll die here.
I think about being a parent and having the other, enemy(?) parent, and the constant stupid humiliations that entals, and how I knew this would be what would happen, all those years ago, I could see it clearly. I'm steady, you know, easy. Feelings are fleeting & pleasant but you can't get too far into the weeds with them, just be cool man, be cool. Kiddo though is the hook that bites deep, you're never free after that, no matter how it goes, I guess, I can't see a way that I'd ever be free. You put your heart in another person & that other person is gonna be able to put you on your knees whenever. That's gonna be the handle that anyone can twist you around.
So I knew that, and I think part of my deal as a father has been to kind of steer that kid into a place where she, personally, won't use that against or on me - but also will kind of defend herself so no one else can either. I don't know. This all feels dirty, confessional & bad - but. Eh? Who even reads this right? It's a peaceful place with no one to judge but the tumbleweeds.
Tumbleweeds are from russia. damndest thing isn't it?
But the jumps up - from prepubescent to pubescent - I guess, the jumps in capacity & nerve & skill & attention - it's neat to see but jarring as well. I tell my other friends who's kids won't stop ever sleeping in the bed with them, who sneak in or cry their way in that out of nowhere it just came to an abrupt stop, out of nowhere it was just over & forever, all cold turkey and I felt like... I never liked it that much in the first place, but you get used to something & then, well, sometimes you have to stub out the cigarette a little before you were done smoking it. There's a lot of that, with me. Quitting on things ahead of expectation, but not ahead of desire.
I'm all twisted about work where things have been difficult, for unspecified reasons that I think, are for once, caused by viruses. We'll see. But this project that I initiated years ago & that I've watched get mismanaged into the dirt in all the time since - that seems to finally be coming to fruition and I'm in a weird, confused place, where my part of this big, exciting challenging thing was all completed more than a year ago. So I'm dusting off some old awareness & I sit here and I think - "I should just stop going."
I wonder, really, how long it'd take them to do something about it. If I turned off my phone, stopped taking emails. I wonder if they'd remember to stop contributing to the 401k, if they'd turn off my internet & come around to get my computer. They'll let things slide there, forever & ever. It's fine.
It's easy. It's dead easy - so that's appealing.
But it's where ambition goes to die. I feel the rust growing over me.
And I gotta start, really, putting together moves. 4 years. And then that's it. That kid is grown & can come & go as she see's fit. I can leave the wasteland and seek my own fortune instead of just a comfortable place with/for her that's easy. But maybe I'm withering on the vine.
Maybe I'll die here.
