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Aug. 26th, 2012 08:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I think in the end I was grumpy. At the zoo we made a bold return aided by my roommate and his lady. It was a long slow morning and early afternoon, rising up in us and only finally finding some kind of expression much, much later. At the zoo everyone is underfoot, bumping into me, there is a crush of people. With Agatha around I'm hunched and looking, searching, I'm not my tower of self, not serene - bt anxious and watchful.
A while back we were at the park and some kind of disabled boy was there. He was disabled in a way that you could tell his parents would send him away to be at the park so that he would not be bothering them. I don't know? Disabled? Maybe crazy? He had some kind of lesion on his face from rubbing it in the same place over and over. Anyway he wouldn't leave Agatha alone at all, but she doesn't understand, yet, how it is when people are crazy. So I had to kind of monitor and chase. I was cool at first and kept telling her - hey go over there! no over there! But this kid kept coming on all creep with long skinny arms and huggy-grabs. Finally I told him he'd better find someone else to play with. Little A... Sweet kid, she's like: "my dad is just joking, whadda kidder!" But I'm like - "I'm serious as a note from the principal, beat it." I mean, whatever, everyone's my responsibility in the world, that's fair and right, but I got no ability to train up every random autist or maniac that I meet, good luck kid - but you know, beat it. So now I'm like, agitated and have to be aware of stuff that I used to be just, like, able to avoid.
It used to be - that a little kid would come up and then there would be some kind of little kid time - maybe they'd be like - "Now we are best friends!" Who don't know each others names or anything, but met briefly at the zoo and decide crazy things. You'd be able to play ball with the other parents, briefly anyway. Usually the other parents were just weird squares, but sometimes you'd have to go up against neck-tattoos and/or midriff baring rock & roll outfits - some pattern of grossness and awkward anti-socialism that'd just get up under the skin. And you'd be glad that it was brief and have no ill will. Now I'm having to deal with these fucking children on their own merits, and I'll tell you, not a lot of kids have many merits.
So stooped and searchwise - and like, trying not to be a gross creep about noticing about 10,000,000 beatiful girls there, because I don't know, I want to. I coming alive in the blood or whatever. Maybe a little bit lonesome. Meanwhile kid is kind of grating, being bored constantly and really, really socially awkward at the moment - as in, she meows at everyone and makes farting noises at everyone out of some kind of shyness/embarassment/growing-self-awareness - so it's not that cool taking her places for the moment - but you know, like, she's not at all out of line with the other children, she's like them. That's probably the disappointing thing. Talking to Travis about his baby who is wonderful you remember that, and then know something about raising a person, how what you've done is made another person, your person to be sure, still, another person. It's fine. It's just frustrating - especially this boredom thing - It's getting deep on my nerves because being bored is code for- I want to watch TV and I don't do that or have that around my house. I'm looking forward to a time when I can answer "I'm bored" with "go down the street and get me something to eat then." I don't know when wandering around by herself will come into the equation - maybe around the time she's able to recognize crazy people.
But anyway it's a feeling of being compromised - in public you know - because usually, usually I'm like - very capable, totally effective in the world, but you've got this like - I don't want to say liability, but you know - liability. I mean, what if there is a fight? What if there is a beautiful lady to talk to? What if there is free beer? What if there is some delicious food that isn't one of the narrowly defined things that she will eat? What if abundant swearing and hostility is called for? In all those cases I'm like, hunched over and like, policing this kid and basically losing. Which makes me tired and want to stay home, a lot more, and makes me boring and predictable and lame - it's a werid circle of responsibility and ineffectiveness that I am not good at tolerating.
But anyhow I got hyperaware of crowds and other people and that was exhausting, and then I got woken up early by getting jumped on and learning about how she is bored, and then we went to the breakfast place I don't like instead of the one I do because they put candy in their pancakes, and then I got harrangued about boredom some more while I tried to work on things and then we went and saw Dave's adorable puppies for a long time and frolicked with them and then walked home through a secret shortcut and I was approved of and called smart and cool, and then we played cards and then we went to get pizza and I was begged for sodapop for about an hour.
So I'm not, like, unhappy! It's not that at all, not for a second, but you know - it's getting to be this place where I am missing afternoon naps and the occassional date.
I have high hopes for 10.
A while back we were at the park and some kind of disabled boy was there. He was disabled in a way that you could tell his parents would send him away to be at the park so that he would not be bothering them. I don't know? Disabled? Maybe crazy? He had some kind of lesion on his face from rubbing it in the same place over and over. Anyway he wouldn't leave Agatha alone at all, but she doesn't understand, yet, how it is when people are crazy. So I had to kind of monitor and chase. I was cool at first and kept telling her - hey go over there! no over there! But this kid kept coming on all creep with long skinny arms and huggy-grabs. Finally I told him he'd better find someone else to play with. Little A... Sweet kid, she's like: "my dad is just joking, whadda kidder!" But I'm like - "I'm serious as a note from the principal, beat it." I mean, whatever, everyone's my responsibility in the world, that's fair and right, but I got no ability to train up every random autist or maniac that I meet, good luck kid - but you know, beat it. So now I'm like, agitated and have to be aware of stuff that I used to be just, like, able to avoid.
It used to be - that a little kid would come up and then there would be some kind of little kid time - maybe they'd be like - "Now we are best friends!" Who don't know each others names or anything, but met briefly at the zoo and decide crazy things. You'd be able to play ball with the other parents, briefly anyway. Usually the other parents were just weird squares, but sometimes you'd have to go up against neck-tattoos and/or midriff baring rock & roll outfits - some pattern of grossness and awkward anti-socialism that'd just get up under the skin. And you'd be glad that it was brief and have no ill will. Now I'm having to deal with these fucking children on their own merits, and I'll tell you, not a lot of kids have many merits.
So stooped and searchwise - and like, trying not to be a gross creep about noticing about 10,000,000 beatiful girls there, because I don't know, I want to. I coming alive in the blood or whatever. Maybe a little bit lonesome. Meanwhile kid is kind of grating, being bored constantly and really, really socially awkward at the moment - as in, she meows at everyone and makes farting noises at everyone out of some kind of shyness/embarassment/growing-self-awareness - so it's not that cool taking her places for the moment - but you know, like, she's not at all out of line with the other children, she's like them. That's probably the disappointing thing. Talking to Travis about his baby who is wonderful you remember that, and then know something about raising a person, how what you've done is made another person, your person to be sure, still, another person. It's fine. It's just frustrating - especially this boredom thing - It's getting deep on my nerves because being bored is code for- I want to watch TV and I don't do that or have that around my house. I'm looking forward to a time when I can answer "I'm bored" with "go down the street and get me something to eat then." I don't know when wandering around by herself will come into the equation - maybe around the time she's able to recognize crazy people.
But anyway it's a feeling of being compromised - in public you know - because usually, usually I'm like - very capable, totally effective in the world, but you've got this like - I don't want to say liability, but you know - liability. I mean, what if there is a fight? What if there is a beautiful lady to talk to? What if there is free beer? What if there is some delicious food that isn't one of the narrowly defined things that she will eat? What if abundant swearing and hostility is called for? In all those cases I'm like, hunched over and like, policing this kid and basically losing. Which makes me tired and want to stay home, a lot more, and makes me boring and predictable and lame - it's a werid circle of responsibility and ineffectiveness that I am not good at tolerating.
But anyhow I got hyperaware of crowds and other people and that was exhausting, and then I got woken up early by getting jumped on and learning about how she is bored, and then we went to the breakfast place I don't like instead of the one I do because they put candy in their pancakes, and then I got harrangued about boredom some more while I tried to work on things and then we went and saw Dave's adorable puppies for a long time and frolicked with them and then walked home through a secret shortcut and I was approved of and called smart and cool, and then we played cards and then we went to get pizza and I was begged for sodapop for about an hour.
So I'm not, like, unhappy! It's not that at all, not for a second, but you know - it's getting to be this place where I am missing afternoon naps and the occassional date.
I have high hopes for 10.