(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

I’m tired. This is, lately, my native state. How I am and feel. I can’t fall asleep till too late, and I have to wake up early, I don’t sleep a lot and I’m tired. It’s fine to be tired, if you’re worn out doing things, but I’m in a lull in the action. I’m in a lull in my self. I have things I need to be doing but then I feel them getting away from me, I feel myself letting them drift away undone. I’ve got to sit for this test, and get some letters after my name, I’ve got to write these books, and have books that I’ve written. I’ve got to work on my paintings. I’ve got to work on my spellbook. I’ve got to work on my house. I’ve got to… I’ve got these things, I don’t feel spread thin, I feel tired. I feel like I’m doing these things and it’s fine, and I like it, but as time goes by, for the first time, I’m starting to feel like, I can’t get everything I want done, done.

I have a feeling that I am getting into a bad place with my Daughter. She comes to stay with me on the weekends and I’m tired, she’s tired, we’re both tired. She wants to do nothing, at all, she wants to craft sprites and write a little code and keep the same old movies and shows playing while she does it. She wants to take over the living room floor and not be clean and not be sensible, she’s… I don’t know – I feel like she’s setting a bad example for me -not the other way around. I went to pick her up Friday, her mom was asking what we’d get up to. I said: Nothing, probably. And she was surprised- You guys always used to be going on adventures.

Well, Adventures are expensive and hard and they’re exclusively on me to plan and orchestrate and she’s… She is indifferent to them. It’s just that all the effort in the world can be spent and she’s just not that into it- she just wants to work on her comics, and write her games and watch the same movies over and over. I was kind of grouchy about it – the other weekend, I guess she’s big enough that I can walk down the street and leave her home alone, so I did, because she wouldn’t get it together to even try to go for a walk around the neighborhood. She knew I was steamed and I was steamed, I’m not real mad about it, just bored. She’s in this place in her life where she gets to be boring, but I’m in this place where I don’t want that. It’s frustrating because she used to be a really good companion, out and about – friendly and interested and engaged, now, nose in a book, in the DS, in a comic. Ignoring everything. It’s her time to be this person and it’s fine, it’s just not fun. Anyhow, I guess, I guess I’m just along for it now. We sit at home all weekend, every weekend and I make things and make things and make things and try to get the house cleaned up a little, which is difficult, owing to her role in destroying it, really destroying it, I don’t think I can think of a messier person. And I’m just beat up, after she goes, I’m a little excited, like – Now I can do the things! I want to do things! I can! Which is probably terrible, I don’t know, I don’t feel terrible, I just wish she’d snap out of this phase. I’m thinking when she gets to the place where she has friends and wants to do stuff with them – then she’ll get more active, or at least want to leave the house. And then I can do what? I don’t know – I’ve given up on a lot of things I’d like to have done to stay with her and raise her and now I’ve got fewer friends and fewer prospects than I might have otherwise and just now it seems like it’s been a lot of sacrifice over a lot of years with zero payoff. Well, zero payoff is way past how I really feel, but I am frustrated and bored. Bored.

That kid, she’s so weird. Almost 11, she’s at a strange place where she needs to snap out of her most childish qualities and try to develop more teenaged preferences you know? She needs to do some growing up and she’s not, yet. I said about friends because I think they’d provoke her – she’s got friends and tries to talk to them, it’s weird hearing her on the phone- it’s weird how she has to function not having had a phone on the wall in her house all her life – like, how did we all get along? I remember when I was her age I just picked up the school directory and called my friends when I got bored. She can’t do that. I’ll get her a phone for Christmas – something for her to stare at and ignore me, sure. But… Maybe she learned it from me, I’m sure she did, and her mom for sure too.

There was a really stupid interaction with her mom at pickup time on Sunday. Her mom is a mom, very naggy and always quick to lecture – it’s irritating to me, and I’m not even getting lectured. Kid just rolls her eyes and then it’s all escalated – I don’t want this in my house and so I try and defuse. “I’ll sock you one if you don’t act right, right in the kisser.” Little kid, this is our way. Well Danielle gets all magic-flute voice about this right away and wants to have stage tears about how she was beaten by a man and how it’s bad. Well, no shit you got beaten by a man. Remember all those times you told me he was going to come and kill me? I still do. Remember that he was your fucking crack dealer? I do. So, like, world’s smallest violin when it comes to your asshole boyfriend beating you up. But of course I have to act right because that’s what you do. So I go and talk her down a little, apologize about her triggers and so on. It’s what it is. And wouldn’t happen but for nagging and home invasion (seriously, I never invite her in she always just walks in, I really don’t like it, get the fuck out of my house you’re a thief! That’s what I think of her anyway someone who I wouldn’t tell my address to if I didn’t have to). But then there it is, FEELINGS thrown all around at people who are trying to just live all on the quiet and it’s bullying and stupid and insulting to push down everyone’s throat how your feelings are so important. Well I got fucking traumatized by the same situation and you’re the one who put us all in it for no goddammed reason, so fucking live with it like everyone around you has to- or I don’t know, carry on like an asshole as if somehow that diverts responsibility.

So on the bright side – Agatha rolls her eyes at this, and I roll my eyes at this, and we’re both dismissive of hysterical acting people and… I gotta pull back on the things I’ve said, you know – we had a productive, fun time working on her homework – which weirdly was all about understanding capitalism, and then her vocabulary words which were pleasingly complex, and past that we always have a nice time watching the most recent Adventure Time and she’s really wonderful – she’s just in this weird in-between place where she can’t be bothered to clean up after herself at all, or put things away at all, and I’m not that good at it myself so it’s frustrating, she’s a good kid, we have a good relationship, I think right now, maybe we’re just reinforcing both of our worst qualities and those qualities are all kind of the same bad qualities. And she did take the hint and at least want to go for a walk around and we saw some things but then didn’t have adventures because I’m just too broke and really that’s half my problem is that I do okay but I don’t do okay enough moneywise and I figured, I need to set up the internet at home because I have to do my (Very Boring) network administrator classes after work so I have to do that… And that was expensive and I couldn’t afford to get the new Pokemon game that came out on Saturday even though we’re both pretty excited for it and… Soon I’m going away on vacation, I’m really eager to leave this town, even for a little while, just a weekend, just a little while.

I’ve been longhanding the first draft of my NaNoWriMo on the bus each morning, it’s very helpful, mind-wise to be doing that in the morning. Today I had to move a bunch of filing cabinets around and it was very hard and I was sweating it up, I volunteered to do this because I’m big and strong and all. I know some people I know are all workouts all the time and I can’t imagine that, getting all sweaty and worn out – I just get mad, like bitterly angry. I was muttering about how everyone is a fool and everything is stupid – ferociously even. I think this is why Mr. T was so mean to people, exercising, it pisses you off. Writing a book every morning, it’s much more cathartic, I get here just at sunrise and it’s beautiful and golden, I feel strong and better.

Yesterday though – out of nowhere my one Ex, the main one, she contacts me to see if I’ve slashed the tires on her car – and I am insulted and sure, kind of grouchy – like, don’t go accusing people of shit, don’t go around talking about me. Also, I wasn’t at all displeased that something expensive and bad happened to her, but also, not gratified about it, I wonder what it’s like to live your life in a way that people just go out of their way to fuck with you, I wonder what it would be to be unlikeable.

So, anyway, I think I’m coming down from the annual file-rotation, and that I’m not going to be actually furious anymore today. I think I’ll be sweet and good tempered. Again. Tomorrow is payday, I’m planning to go and see young Agatha and take her to dinner and get us the new Pokemon game so we can play side-by-side, see which of us will be the very best like no one ever was. Maybe I’ll buy her mom flowers or something to make up for rocking her boat, dummy. If I’ve still got flashbacks about her awful relationship I’m sure it’s much worse for her.

Comments

[forsakengirl.livejournal.com]

My daughter went through a similar phase at that age. She still hasn't fully snapped out if it.

But I find that continuing to offer different activities helped. Eventually I found something she liked to do.

Could it be that maybe she is just too busy during the week that she just wants to do nothing with you?

And I say it's incredibly kind and generous to even think about buying flowers for your ex. I think it says a lot about the kind of person you are :)

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

Well, she's my daughter's mother. And she's had a hard life, even if it was her decision to have it.

[archivist405.livejournal.com]

My son, who I wrote my little homage to this morning, is so much like this. He is 12 and didn't shampoo his hair yesterday because he didn't see the full bottle next to the empty one. On top of his inattentiveness to everything, he only goes places with me if I force or bribe him to go. We generally have fun, but I feel the same way about the money and the orchestration. It's exhausting.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

Aw geez I feel badly now speaking against my poor cub. You know we're the same right down to the bad habits. She's better than good and will probably live off of wits and resourcefulness rather than preparation but that's not a bad life.

I almost wanted to speak up about your camping trip but my usual response to camping is to say: oh I'm sorry that happened to you.

[archivist405.livejournal.com]

ha! I loooove camping. Love it.
It's so hard to separate the expectations we have as parents from the reality of being a pre-adolescent/adolescent human. I'm just so glad for my son, and clearly for your girl as well, that we are engaged enough to know what they're into, even if it annoys us and to be there in the event they do screw something up and need bailing out or guidance.
Don't feel bad for saying what you said, I had to comment because I feel exactly the same way and you articulated it so well. I will add that it must be amplified by only seeing her on weekends. The weekday routine is much the same for us, but at least I see him pass by as he goes to use the john. You're a good dad, you CARE

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

I'm going to do this. I'm going to, next year anyway - we will. http://www.adafruit.com/products/1078

I don't know if I'm the best or the worst to fall all over trying new stuff, but at least people can say that I tried stuff.

[archivist405.livejournal.com]

that is awesome!! Do it!! I've bought robot kits and rockets and all kinds of stuff for my son and I am terrible about making him do them. I want him to want to, he thinks its cool and again would do it if I forced him but has little initiative to pull stuff out. We need a room cleaning overhaul. yikes.