The Secrets of Men

[kingtycoon]

Work was hard as balls today. I didn't figure it would be but it's been very busy all week. I'm gonna be late paying bills on account of it. Now... There is a nice lull in the action and I can resume wasting my time writing.

So, okay, something that's been on my mind lately because of conversations elsewhere is what it's all about. What's it all about Kingtycoon? That's what you ask, and I deliver because I'm a stone cold Bible Jesus. I'll tell you straight without asking questions though so maybe I'm a Stone Cold Bible Paul.

Here's the thing about a man in America. You've had your life, it's been what happened to you, you've got some experiences and some have been good some bad, shit's gone down and you've been there to see it. Viddy this my droogs, Viddy with your glazzies: A young malchick sometime in his life has had this thing happen, if he's American enough. One day, something really just shitty occurs, a problem, a difficulty - it's compounded by failure, his failure. You know who fucks things up? (Bible-Jesus) Everyone Fucks things up. (Bible...YHWH?) This kid, he knows it, he's fucked up before, once or twice, it never seemed a thing, he made a mistake- failed, got outwitted, outpunched, outsmarted or outmatched. It's the human condition that we're all competitors for scarce resources, and it's the human condition that there's always someone better than you. Always is, so far. Anyhow - this kid, he fucks up and he mentions this to his girl, his friend, someone who he wants to care or know - and what happens to fella? Nothing really, she's nice, seems caring, it's fine - but there's a different look in devotchka's eyes, there's a whole new way that she sees young malchick that before she didn't. This happens. This happens to all of us. You get the stark realization that people Will Not Want To Fuck You Anymore if you get that stink of failure on you.

Which is rough right, cause you're going to fail at stuff. Unless you're lame, unless you're just utterly incapacitated and don't try stuff anymore, and that's its own kind of failure - though it maybe takes longer to sense, it'll still linger in the air between him and her like a fart. True Things.

So you, young brash man that you are, you get the hang of it - you say - getting humiliated didn't seem all that bad until it turned out that the people around me that are what- in the inner circle, those people judged me too, and all the harder since I effortlessly and immediately trusted them! Well shit, I better never again let on that anything bad has ever happened to me!

Now, that's just one flavor of the circumstances. Sometimes fella just rolls with the punches see - and he's laughable sad-sack! Sometimes he figures he'll get wise to controlling the narrative, digest and retell - but he'll be not humiliated, not defeated, you dig, but slighted - offended by the temerity! How foolish they were to have beaten me up because of my haircut! How foolish! Or he'll just go back and do it again, try a different tactic, just try harder. Or, and this comes up too, a lot, maybe he's just stone dumb and doesn't notice that his fuckups are straining his peoples' affections. He might go on and on - I mean, he got raised by parents, and as one of those, I can tell you - you kind of absorb and forgive about a million miles of bullshit failures without a thought or consideration. I mean, shoot, it's just a kid. So there's some misguiding efforts in play here, conflicting paradigms.



But still - that girl, the one girl, she'll see and she'll know - after that - that he's just a dope, it's all over. So he's got to, and we've all got to keep that shit secret, you can't ever let on that you're weak or fumbling or a failure, that you've fucked things up by some lack of character. If you do? Well, you're not a hero anymore, and if you're not a hero No One Wants To Fuck You Anymore. Serious considerations.

I bet it doesn't seem that way does it? Like, nah, that's not how it is. But I can tell you - it's gone that way for most every man around. You've got to hide that shit away.

Examples now. So, I didn't have any money, and I didn't have a lot of good prospects to get money. Actually - I think this was back when I was early days still interviewing at my current Jobby-Job. I was very-very low-cash but I figured I can get by on the old IRS Refund Check for a month or so, maybe longer - cause if you're the single parent and it's your year to claim your child (I get the odd years) then you get silly dollars for basically free. It's fine. So I was looking forward but the IRS was looking back and said - nono Kingtycoon, your ditzy former wife has not paid attention to what year it is and has claimed your child so... Nothing for you. It was a hard bad thing to learn, and I made a surly phonecall and then just accepted because that is what you do. You get over things because you have to. So I didn't like that at all, because - well fuck nobody likes losing a couple grand, and especially when they don't really have a job and are up against the rent and so on. So I got sullen and quiet and didn't want to do the run-around. My girlfriend did though and I sure loved my girlfriend. Off the phone and getting sullen with my ex, and it's time to get ready. Muttering in the shower, feeling outwitted and shamed, muttering as I put my tie on, feeling still, helpless, weak and so forth, desperate. Getting hungry. Not happy, flailing. So comes my girl, she wants to go for a ride - we go for a ride and I'm trying to keep it inside. I mean, hell, what am I going to do? What Am I Going To Do? I'm being cool, trying anyhow - laugh along and smile pretty but Fuck! It's sure distracting when you're suddenly worried that you're gonna have to miss like, every meal for a month now because you've got nothing at all money-wise. It's distracting and I got distracted. Well, then comes - "What is up? What is the problem?" And that is the pitbull bite that does not cease. What is it, what is it, why is this happening? What is it? Well, shit, I let it spill and told the whole tale of woe and sorrows, a tragic little legend about a man with nothing and no way to get anything, outwitted and conned out of all and all. And then it's said and nobody wanted it said, and No One Wanted To Fuck Me once it was said. And that was how it started off being over that time.

Now - could've kept my trap shut? Could've. Could've been more smooth about the frayed up edges? Could've. Could've told the tale in a better way where I shone in the light of silvery moons? Should've. You can control the narrative and make yourself as noble as you care to, you can bluster and lie like a maniac and that'll do - because if someone Wants To Fuck You they'll believe all the best thing about you, all the made up fairytale things. Wanting To Fuck You is like a dreamstate a mystical visionary state and the exact second that she's startled awake and made to see? Well, it takes a special kind who Wants To Fuck You after being woken up in the middle of the night because you were busy fucking up something.

I... Once in a while I see these people who want to talk up about how the unreasonable pressure put on girls and women in their culturally normative media sources portray unattainable and dubiously human standards. I get that all the time, that's true enough - I mean, I'm the father of a young girl and face that shit in life. But once in a while it's pointed out that the standards of dudes are just as pernicious. I mean - I wouldn't say that. They're pretty fucked up, and unattainable, sure, but like- Captain America, Superman, Batman and so on - at least it's kind of useful if you try and fail to live up to that shit. Not like - you know - Sleeping Beauty or sommat. But if you're not heroic and you can't control the narrative you won't be, then you're failing and shitty and probly No One Will Want To Fuck You. Well, who knows.

So you gotta go to the next and the next after and the next after - until they discover your dark, dark secret - that you're just a fucking person like everyone else (You are a fucking person. You. Not Me, I'm Kingtycoon).

Now, I assume that somewhere along the way someone will Want To Fuck You even if you're just a person, I accept that that's a possibility, hell it's probably likely - but failing at it the one time alone is enough to help you know - You Don't Ever Talk About What Is Wrong With Your Life. Facts.

Comments

[archivist405.livejournal.com]

This makes me sad. I'm sorry that happened to you, it seems like you should be able to be yourself really and openly, but only when the other person is the right person, I guess.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

It's just an example though, not the real thing that taught you that. I don't know if I believe that people love each other for who they are within themselves, it's not as if it's really possible to know someone in a way that you'd ever really understand them, you're always interacting with some surface reality of the other, no?

I think that the facade that appeals to the person who's facade appeals most to you ends up being the permanent or semi-permanent face, the new reality. I don't know if I think that there's an innate core self that interacts with other innate selves. But I go on.

[archivist405.livejournal.com]

ugh.
But that's THE DREAM, that's why they make a Ken doll, the fantasy that someone somewhere will see into your inner core and love you.
My interpretation of your writing is coinciding with my current cynicism and complete loss of faith in the whole dream, so it only reinforces something I'm trying really hard not to look at but can't seem to look away from. Like staring into the sun for me. The facade has pissed me off, I'm done with it, mad at the projection of ego. I want real and real doesn't exist.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

I guess I don't see why that's the DREAM because it seems so inferior to seeing the face that was built just for you. You know what I mean?

This is the bold, strong, devoted face that I've made for you, this is me as far as you ever need to know. That's better isn't it? Than this is the collection of bad experiences and weird choices made by my parents and people through history?

And to say nothing of the weird - unreasonable pressure to even have a depthy inner-core self. Why is that even desirable? Why is that even an expectation?