kingtycoon | (no subject)

Something impermeable lately, surfaces within, stony and uninviting I think I've become (inside, within) crystalline and hard, the atoms of memyselfandI are formed up, formidably, they're stoic atoms, aligned to resist and repel, nothing can get inside, no fluid emotional solvent can break the bond, no wave of feeling can take hold. It's all repelled and rebuffed. That's me, hardened heart, downright Pharaonic. It's not for no reason you understand - there are actors, agents, forces that plot to destroy. It's something, to know, that there are people who's desire is to trouble and harm you, that kind of knowledge comes with the great price of having to become fossilized within (inside) to resist all efforts, to become unshakeable and hard.

The hardness is a matter that transcends the circumstances though, I find myself unhappy, displeased or curt - unkind so it's a second villainy, when someone with an ill intention tries to try you and you become rocky and inviolate, then you're not so soft a touch with your child, or your mother, with all the people you care about. It's the cruel thing about cruelty - the transmission of it like sickness. But I'm stony-impassive and can't be approached or injured. That's the intentional reflex, and from that hard place within, that defiant place of strength that all the bad will radiates outward - like it's been deflected harmfully. I'm sorry for the ricochets.

Soon enough the harm done will be overcome again, the true-good-kind self will thaw and there it will be, life, resuming, from after an evil shock.