(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

I was looking and this is the first picture taken on my phone - last year's christmas tree. I can't really do some kind of retrospective photo thing since all my pictures are of my art and crafts projects mainly, and toward the end there - just my old face - but I like the look of that tree, I liked that house, I liked having a roommate even if I never ever talked to him and he was always at his girlfriend's house.


This year's tree was far less splendid. Between sickness and exhaustion we didn't even make much in the way of ornaments. I've fallen off and become somewhat inattentive and she's become somewhat inattentive. I guess that really I want to always be speaking up for the 20 hour work week. I think I want to be sort of sad about the time that I don't get to devote to fixing up my house or making my relationship with my kid better or doing the stuff that I'd like to do. Of course, I've fallen off on doing anything all that grand in my spare time lately, I guess. Then again, is it because I'm tired out?

This pretty much sums up our home life.

Maybe it's just winter getting to me. It always does, but not so badly this year - or maybe, I'm just alone a lot and don't have someone around to disapprove of how I am being. Winter. This is the year I made up that calendar about how to live according to the sun. I did do that. I think it would be neat to live by this calendar, if I could, see what would happen.


Oh, what else, I ran a pretty great game - it started strong, peaked memorably and fell apart due to player psychopathy - so that's a pretty standard version of events. And I did write most of it - and map it, I think, I really do think, that I'll package it up with some rules that I've been working on - do my own OSR offering. If you don't give to the Public Domain - who will? And if anyone does, well that's fine, but still - you should make more great things with no thought of profit, that's a fact of all our lives. Or so I've heard.

I look back on my old diaries sometimes - back at times that seemed pretty bleak and it's weird, weird to me how upbeat I am. i guess I am that, it's strange to think of myself that way because - well I don't. People at the office comment about how I'm always smiling and a cheerful presence - I never thought of it that way. I really never thought of it - one thing, that I started to do more this year - this is the taking a picture of myself every day - is to try and understand what my external presence is all about. This is a growing necessity as I get older and live in a place with a lot of younger people. I was surprised- talking to my younger cousin at christmas dinner- just out of college, at his first real job - I was surprised to realize that I'm closer in age to his father than I am to him - almost the same, but still - closer to his father. And I don't feel that, middle age, I don't feel like I have that much in common with the 55 year olds rather I feel that I'm on the side of the 25 year old. But I'm not am I? So I have to make sense of where I am and that's done by understanding what I appear to be like and that's done by documenting and paying attention. This conversation was with my youngest uncles oldest son. My youngest uncle came by and I pointed out that my father is 25 years older than him. I asked him if he and my aunt would consider having a baby at this moment in their lives. He pointed out that in the old country - they didn't have TV.

This christmas seemed especially egyptian - really everything in life lately seems especially tuned to being Masri. Ali, the Pakistani dude across the hall wants to always talk about islam and tries to persuade me, he and his serious as a heart attack cousin when I run into them in the cigarette/beer store. I tell him he should just come across the hall and get some beer. Then his father is in the hall walking around in shib-shib and not speaking english and I feel related. Casual footwear, friendly non-english speaking, vigorous proselytizing. All the people from other lands are the same it seems.


Mostly this christmas, I was sick. So was Agatha. Maybe I'll break with cheerfulness, maybe I'll just be pissed off. Last night, we were sick, at home, went to dinner with my mother and then came home to meet Danielle, Agatha's mother, who said she'd be no later than 9. Sick and tired and waiting, we were falling asleep on the couch, well past either of our bedtimes Danielle materializes at 11:45. I was proud when Agatha made a face and demanded to know what was going on. And then Danielle lied to her and I could tell that Agatha knew she was lying. I was happy. My policy, I think, is that I don't really talk shit about Danielle, but that I will, from now on, only during the interval between when she says she'll appear and when she actually appears. That'll be the rule.

Anyhow, Agatha somehow avoided alcoholic drinks. I fell right to unconsciousness after they left and woke up with no real problems today.

Yesterday at work we did a bunch of server maintenance - opening things up and blowing the dust out of them, migrating to our new spam-filtering solution, setting up our auto-run patch-push schedules. Nerdy stuff, today - there's nothing to do at all. I feel kind of guilty about saying that, but I go by people, bosses(? I only really have one boss ?) and they're playing video games, I look at their internet usage - everyone's shopping or social, I don't know why there's work today, but there is, it's fine, and I'm content to be here.

Though I could sure have slept till 7. Maybe tomorrow.

Comments

[fordmadoxfraud.livejournal.com]

And I don't feel that, middle age, I don't feel like I have that much in common with the 55 year olds rather I feel that I'm on the side of the 25 year old. But I'm not am I?

I know what you mean. I feel the exact same way. Nobody at work believed me that I was almost 40. And culturally, I feel like I barely have anything in common with most 45 year olds, let alone 55 year olds.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

There's some kind of split in our generation, or well, our demographic group - I think a lot of us were eager and excited for the future, and as well ended up with a lot of the demographic problems prophesied for GenX - meanwhile I go to my HS reunion and everyone's mortgages and kids and what church do they go to - they look and act older. I don't really understand why this is, maybe nerds just age better?

[fordmadoxfraud.livejournal.com]

I think this is true. Or at least, if not aging better, rolling with it better.