Remember, enlightenment is a function of willpower, not of physical strength.

[kingtycoon]

It's better here, sure, we all know that. Who doesn't love the Waste-Land? Sometimes I don't, sometimes.

Today I went down on the icy sidewalk - the second time this winter - it's a bad winter. Bad, bad winter. Then again maybe it's auspicious. I remember the summer of '93 - I think I wrecked my ankle like 7 times? I learned not to go to the ledges by myself (you need someone around to talk you out of trying crazy jumps and leaps) and I learned not to dance like, forever and ever all day. Poor ankle. This year it is right knee - which is wrenched and bruised, poor old thing. It cracks and smashes ice just as it is twisted up and injured by my very own muscles - powerful those. I don't know if it's proper or true to render injuries to the lower extremities as a positive sign, but what the fuck else am I going to do with it? I accept.

Last night I watched the first episode/pilot episode of Twin Peaks again - I'm going to watch the series alongside archivist405 I think/hope. I'd forgotten how much I hate James, and how happy I get as soon as Agent Cooper appears on screen. Also, I like how uneven the acting is, and how weird Lynch's perception of reality is - the Roadhouse? I love family-style slow-dancing, and I love the fight there where you're led to believe that the two most unbelievable football players in television history are good at fighting. I like that show.

Otherwise, I worked on my map painting a little, and wrung my hands about Agatha, some more.

Over the weekend... Ugh - on Friday - I'm asked to come over and get her, it's nice enough outside I don't mind. There's crisis at her mom's house - they're in crisis because she's, again, getting bad grades. I am as unfazed by this as ever, I try to point out these ideas: 1) Elementary school performance shows no clear line of descent to High-School performance, let alone life performance. They were seriously concerned about her eventual ability to pay mortgages and hold down jobs... Ugh. 2) The only time that her school performance is ever discussed there, by them, is when these interim reports come out and she's shown to be failing. She never does fail, but the only attention school gets about that comes when she's failing halfway through. My suggestions for repairing the situation or reversing it are not met with agreement or acceptance, whatever. I dislike this thing because my solution is: We should meet after school at least 3 times a week so we can do homework and talk about school - but they resist all of that - they resent the 3 days a week I get to actually spend raising that kid. Ugh. and finally - the 4)th point - which is that because I don't punish her, I am enabling her bad behavior, and that exposure to electronics is anathema to proper childhood development. Punishment... I don't do it. You reward proper behavior, you don't steal someone's stuff if they go against what you expect - punishment is not effective, and grounding or taking things away... It's not instructional and it only serves to make that kid feel more and more like she has no control in her life.

Anyway - we spend the weekend talking about extrinsic vs. intrinsic motivation. I feel like it's finally time for her to stop being, well, coddled about her creative and academic and even leisure output - I teach her the secret incantation that helps you to work hard "The Very Best Is Barely Sufficient." We repeat it to each other many times. I give her the pocket calendar so she can make records, check with the teacher - ask about your performance and assignments every day - if you can't keep track yourself, you need to check in with the person who's job it is to keep track for you. Like, if you can't balance your checkbook - then you'd better check your balance before you write checks. That's what I do. I don't maintain records. Nope.

So practical advice, no punishment, establishment of specific expectations and goals. I mean - this isn't hard. But I was very grossed out by the bourgeois tackiness of it all. But okay. Fine, grades. School. Still - I don't like being argued with about this stuff, and I don't like discussing it with them.


On Saturday night in the midst of a near-thaw we had dinner with Julie and her daughter Z and I talked at length with her about my opinions/plans - another person who's taken the requisite child psychology and educational psychology courses. She agreed with me, generally, but also was surprised by Agatha's lack of interest in academic performance. Whatever. School. It's not like the kid has something better to do with her weekdays - but it's not like she'd really be held back or interfered with either. Nonsensical panic - it makes me kind of queasy to think of what this will all look like, going down the road - as they do what they can to exert control and establish middle-class values and she goes on to be her own person. I foresee more and more confrontations and difficult circumstances - awesome.


Of course - it really is time to exert that pressure and demand on the Kid - she's ready to know that it is time to gain her own momentum, to raise her own expectations of herself and to make a more sincere effort to producing better results. She needs to know she can do better and now it's time to instill that and try very hard to do so without bruising her fragile little ego.

Comments

[symbioid.livejournal.com]

Yeah. It's funny, when I was visiting Ann in December, we had this discussion about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation, so it's good to see it pop up here. I, unfortunately, was never one to really get intrinsic motivation very well. So much of my effort is based upon positive feedback from others, and quite often, negative feedback sabotages me by introducing negative thought loops. So this past year or two I've worked more on intrinsic motivation, but damn is it hard. I think getting her working on that earlier is a great idea, because then it can be a pattern to work on and shape those neural structures before they're too rigid.

Maybe I should go look into that research and see what I can do to get my intrinsic motivation working better... :)

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

Okay, so I have a lot to say on this.

First- I get your search for the approval of others - I mean, you post more here than anyone else - you're searching. And you're putting it out there pretty courageously.

But I also see how much time and effort you spend mastering your game - I think about that too - that's your path no? Toward intrinsic value? You want to master that.

Then I think about something I've read elsewhere - where it's been said, and I think with some sense - that it's the ways in which we are strong that hinder our development. Agatha is rad at drawing, so she retreats to that and can't be bothered to develop something else. Like - it's your greatest strength that prevents you from stretching into new, unexplored parts of your abilities.

[archivist405.livejournal.com]

I felt the same way about the Roadhouse. I had forgetten about Julee Cruize as well, she is awesome and weird and perfect. That whole scene. Agent Cooper is certainly my favorite and I love his enthusiasm for nature. Oh! that show

So I have this same issue with my son, although he really hasn't dipped into the failing realm he has let his grades drop from time to time. Grades have not been my main focus until this year, we do take it a bit more seriously now because the state regents for eductaion track grades through middle and high school when they award scholarships, so I want him to do well. He scores above the 90th percentile on all the monkey tests, so really I'm not worred about the paper marks, BUT I am worried about his personal sense of achievement, as in he has zero motivation to try at anything. The only change I have seen lately is his involvement with the Civil Air Patrol. This is external, as he really wants to please his commanders and to be on par with the other cadets. He actually came home from encampment and made hospital corners on his bed, where previsouly it was an undertaking just to get the clean sheets back on the matress. Marked change, but the drive to please himself is so important to foster. It's most likely that I lack this myself so I'm unable to teach it to him. I always did want to please my teachers by doing well, not because I wanted to do well. I have generally been a slacker and get by on what I do and I don't kill myself over it, I get by. I'm not trying to be the best in the world because I know someonw else will always be better, but I am pretty serious about being the best that I can be- I guess that's the thing. I was so glad when we got out of elementary school. I could go on and on about that.

[fordmadoxfraud.livejournal.com]

I would read any parenting treatise you wrote, and want posts like these to go on indefinitely.