(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

An alright weekend. Kind of. Really it was an intensive period of feelings in asymmetry. Agatha - on the loose with her mother is asymmetrical to me - she never calls, she doesn't think of me enough - I grumble. Once in a while she will call me, and that is the best - it means that she has actually thought of me when I am not in front of her face and that is good. Usually she does not call or make any contact - which is no fun, the entirety of our interaction is based on my willingness to brashly walk into her mother's house. I wish it wasn't so, but there it is, I'm the sucker. What are you gonna do though, for your kid? You gotta. I wish it weren't so, but there it is.

I ended up in a rampaging mood - or at least a going out mood - anything to do at all. I run to the bank to see that I have just enough money to run around on one night of the weekend. Somewhere I'm told that there is a kinda-costume event at a bar out Lakewood way - I go in Wizard garb - my sweet Uzbek robe and my deerhoof staff (it is too a costume). J comes along looking like a laplander, we do alright, get invited to join all the party-bus goers skip past any covercharges - I love that - storming through, indifferent. It's fine, there are a couple of bands - I buy the one musician a shot because he asks - he gives us both one of his CDs and we speculate about if we'll run into each other in our home-neighborhood, he being an eastsider. I say it's time to go after the bus sits in the street and it's drunk patrons are shouting out the window that I should come with them. They're okay - Doctors - but I know better than to get into a bus that doesn't have a print schedule. No. Instead we run down to the Spitfire- which is fine, beers and bands all night - and I leave her to it, trying to talk up men - I don't know what her situation is like, I don't help her or hinder her, go find you a man, I'm busy. We are like colleagues or coworkers at the bar.

After it's to the gothbar for dancing. There is dancing. I am glad. We get rowdy there through the last call. The only people I have met there before all come to brace me concerning the situation of Esther - who was someone who also did not love me enough. Argle bargle with this, it kept coming up I guess. It's the flavor of the feelings, the smoke in the air.

In the end J is too lit to take us home so I drive her car and she comes to crash and is plaintive and aggressive about how I'm not into her. It's... Ugh.

I say that I am too sad to make out and cry a little instead. Because I was too sad to make out.

The next day I wake up ready to go-do - but it's raining fiercely and it's only a matter of time before my irresponsible decisions involving whiskey and beer haunt me. I find all of a lady's accoutrements laying around my house and piece together that J has gone and left her things - apparently wearing my clothes home? I don't know it's snowing by the time I figure it out - punitive snow, the last of the winter wrung out - fuck Ohio and fuck everything. snow. I linger at home and think and try not to think. Campaign is coming, a new game - I'll work on that. I think.

Sunday is nicer and nobody is ruined by an excess of booze - J comes by to get her things- she's in search of some activity and I have the starbucks gift card - in lieu of having coffee in the house or a desire for groceries - I bribe her for car rides with free coffee. We end up journeying far and wide through the bleak suburban areas, formerly of my expertise - North Randal and deep into Parma and Brookpark - all along the southern edges - she's looking for clothes and it's thrift-store after thrift-store. I don't like shopping for clothes as there is nothing ever for me - it being a small, small world. She finally comes to the point somewhere along the way, where she lays into me very hard about why I don't date her or want to be with her - which is, I'm never going to talk about that because when it comes up there's not a chance for me to speak - it's just a long litany of her complaints about me and none of them come close to the reality of why I'm not interested - but it is interesting to hear her opinions about me - my mentality. Usually, when a lady is laying into you like that - it's a thing of breakups, endings. It's different when someone tells and tells and you don't have any reciprocal feeling - there's no dislike in it, it's just confusing. Anyway, that comes up at the end of the afternoon. Asymmetry again! But contrariwise this time.

It's just dumb. I go home and do laundry and clean up around the house and stare at the sunshine on the stupid fucking snow and resolve to feel better. Asymmetry is on you. I realize, if someone doesn't love you back enough or whatever - it is because of a flaw in your character - so I resolve to be of better character and that's the thing that I do that helps me to shake off being sad and weepy.

Comments

[mordicai.livejournal.com]

Oh my god the idea that someone might be hassling you about that Esther stuff still...sheesh.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

They were just looking for word of her circumstances. Nobody knows.

[forsakengirl.livejournal.com]

One day it will mean so much to your daughter that you want to spend time with her. I know she may not show it right now, but one day it'll mean a lot.

Your character seems fine to me :)

[sholanda.livejournal.com]

Listen, it's not that she doesn't think of you other times when you are not with her. But she know she will have dad time again. She knows you will come because you always have and always will. And that's a good thing.

Do you think of her sometimes without calling? Don't you think she does the same? Of course she thinks of you, and she knows she will see you again so it's not a matter of desperation! It's comforting and stable.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

It's not okay to take me for granted and assume that I will always walk through fire for her, I want her to know that and to reciprocate a little. Show some initiative, some assertiveness.

[calico-pye.livejournal.com]

My parents didn't split up until my teens - things could be a bit awkward from time to time. Nevertheless, I DID used to think of my father often and as I grew older, I developed a stronger relationship with my father - probably better than with my mother, if I have to be honest.

Never underestimate how important you are in your daughter's life. Eventually, daughters do understand the mental/emotional investment of conversations and experiences shared. It is precious time and she will value it :-)