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Mar. 31st, 2014 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)

An alright weekend. Kind of. Really it was an intensive period of feelings in asymmetry. Agatha - on the loose with her mother is asymmetrical to me - she never calls, she doesn't think of me enough - I grumble. Once in a while she will call me, and that is the best - it means that she has actually thought of me when I am not in front of her face and that is good. Usually she does not call or make any contact - which is no fun, the entirety of our interaction is based on my willingness to brashly walk into her mother's house. I wish it wasn't so, but there it is, I'm the sucker. What are you gonna do though, for your kid? You gotta. I wish it weren't so, but there it is.
I ended up in a rampaging mood - or at least a going out mood - anything to do at all. I run to the bank to see that I have just enough money to run around on one night of the weekend. Somewhere I'm told that there is a kinda-costume event at a bar out Lakewood way - I go in Wizard garb - my sweet Uzbek robe and my deerhoof staff (it is too a costume). J comes along looking like a laplander, we do alright, get invited to join all the party-bus goers skip past any covercharges - I love that - storming through, indifferent. It's fine, there are a couple of bands - I buy the one musician a shot because he asks - he gives us both one of his CDs and we speculate about if we'll run into each other in our home-neighborhood, he being an eastsider. I say it's time to go after the bus sits in the street and it's drunk patrons are shouting out the window that I should come with them. They're okay - Doctors - but I know better than to get into a bus that doesn't have a print schedule. No. Instead we run down to the Spitfire- which is fine, beers and bands all night - and I leave her to it, trying to talk up men - I don't know what her situation is like, I don't help her or hinder her, go find you a man, I'm busy. We are like colleagues or coworkers at the bar.
After it's to the gothbar for dancing. There is dancing. I am glad. We get rowdy there through the last call. The only people I have met there before all come to brace me concerning the situation of Esther - who was someone who also did not love me enough. Argle bargle with this, it kept coming up I guess. It's the flavor of the feelings, the smoke in the air.
In the end J is too lit to take us home so I drive her car and she comes to crash and is plaintive and aggressive about how I'm not into her. It's... Ugh.
I say that I am too sad to make out and cry a little instead. Because I was too sad to make out.
The next day I wake up ready to go-do - but it's raining fiercely and it's only a matter of time before my irresponsible decisions involving whiskey and beer haunt me. I find all of a lady's accoutrements laying around my house and piece together that J has gone and left her things - apparently wearing my clothes home? I don't know it's snowing by the time I figure it out - punitive snow, the last of the winter wrung out - fuck Ohio and fuck everything. snow. I linger at home and think and try not to think. Campaign is coming, a new game - I'll work on that. I think.
Sunday is nicer and nobody is ruined by an excess of booze - J comes by to get her things- she's in search of some activity and I have the starbucks gift card - in lieu of having coffee in the house or a desire for groceries - I bribe her for car rides with free coffee. We end up journeying far and wide through the bleak suburban areas, formerly of my expertise - North Randal and deep into Parma and Brookpark - all along the southern edges - she's looking for clothes and it's thrift-store after thrift-store. I don't like shopping for clothes as there is nothing ever for me - it being a small, small world. She finally comes to the point somewhere along the way, where she lays into me very hard about why I don't date her or want to be with her - which is, I'm never going to talk about that because when it comes up there's not a chance for me to speak - it's just a long litany of her complaints about me and none of them come close to the reality of why I'm not interested - but it is interesting to hear her opinions about me - my mentality. Usually, when a lady is laying into you like that - it's a thing of breakups, endings. It's different when someone tells and tells and you don't have any reciprocal feeling - there's no dislike in it, it's just confusing. Anyway, that comes up at the end of the afternoon. Asymmetry again! But contrariwise this time.
It's just dumb. I go home and do laundry and clean up around the house and stare at the sunshine on the stupid fucking snow and resolve to feel better. Asymmetry is on you. I realize, if someone doesn't love you back enough or whatever - it is because of a flaw in your character - so I resolve to be of better character and that's the thing that I do that helps me to shake off being sad and weepy.
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Date: 2014-03-31 08:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-03-31 08:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-01 01:29 am (UTC)Your character seems fine to me :)
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Date: 2014-04-01 04:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-01 12:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-01 11:01 am (UTC)Never underestimate how important you are in your daughter's life. Eventually, daughters do understand the mental/emotional investment of conversations and experiences shared. It is precious time and she will value it :-)