(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

Something about Fuck Today in the air. Not that it started that way - just that it decided to head there.

I had game last night, across town - that was good & satisfactory. I had an excess of beer - but in the proper amount, it's been a goodly amount of time since I've had proper quantities of beer & the resulting sleep was just perfectly satisfactory, just, perfectly correct. The thing about not drinking a lot all day is that that makes me sleepy & sleep in too much. Drinking a lot helps me to wake up at correct times, and deal with people in the way that they want to be dealt with, and generally function in the optimal mode that the world seems to require. Isn't that a kick in the nuts - alcoholism is prescribed by my experience. Course, just every so often is my method of boozy puzzlement, not allatime - though that'd be probably to everyone's liking? Who the fuck knows. I wake up early when I have a bunch of booze is what I'm getting at, and usually start the day a little brighter. Today as well in fact.

Color it with details you weirdo... Tell them. Okay - so at the Game I buy that PA beer in cans - because Zabrowski needs the pull tabs for his boss - somehow. Then the brewer-guy who makes his own makes fun of me and doesn't want to share. Then we play & it's a big mass combat scenario which I'm not equipped for because my evil drow priestess of lolth is banned from the game. I've never played a dark-elf, I wanted to do it right, go all the way. But the DM is one of those guys who thinks murdering anonymous human NPCs for no reason is bad- but murdering anonymous Gnoll NPCs is okay - because: Demons. So whatever- moral absolutes are a fantasy & a fiction so may as well roll them into it. I do get happy arguing about it online with them though and strictly adhering to my position that good & evil are fake ideas that are part of white supremacy. I try to pretend like the black-skinned Drow is a parody of this - though I know that's not even tenuous - just straight up my own nonsense. That conversation veers close in on imperialism and then there's a lot of me dancing around and bowing out so as not to end up stepping on the toes of the once-soldiers among the group.

Soldiers are huge babies- if you hate dogs? You can say so and people think you're a monster but they don't think you should die, exactly or go to prison. If you hate cars people kind of get it, if you hate soldiers? They're pretty sure you should go to jail. But I don't exactly hate soldiers y'know - I just feel it's worthwhile to make them feel shame about being soldiers. Like having a gun or a dog or a habit of masturbating in public or a swastika tattoo. That's a loosing battle, sure, but I ain't mind fighting it.

I go downtown after work - tower city to buy another bus pass & transfer. Wander outside for a while because I've got time to kill between trains & figure I'll smoke outside the casino. I think real hard about going inside to see if my dad is there, because I guess he always is. In the end I can't even try. The fucking casino, my fucking dad. I feel bad and sick about it and just take the red line to the airport.

I mean, look. This isn't my moment, in history you understand. The things I don't like, they're pretty ascendant, they're really touted & brandished & waved & caressed & beloved - so I'm all curmedgeony in my disdain - but this is shit I thought about and ended up not liking and... Anymore I can't tell if the energy of being nice to people & never-ever-ever bringing any of this up in public or conversation (it's important to be cool, it's important to act right) is bringing me down. I don't know - maybe! Maybe my deep-down-secret malice will burn me up. Great. It's still important to be cool, to not be shitty to a stranger, to not be a weird-gross square. Like them, you dig? Who would be a dick to a stranger all-the-way with bullets.

I don't even know what the heck this is about, I'm just trying to write words more often for practice.