kingtycoon | Still being Still.

The sky is heavy & dense, there’s a weight in the air so that gravity seems fluid, to conform to a shape, there is a breeze that flutters over like the wings of a bird that is god and it has the property of winnowing the heavy sultry air at dawn so that there is a breaking clarity that is allowed to flourish just briefly.

Last night I took myself to the movies to see the inifinty war. I went just because my kid’s gone with friends to see it twice and I wanted to be unspoiled – for her not to reveal all to me by some accident. Movies, still a thing I love. It was just okay, it was fine. But they start the picture & it shows that they’ve been making these movies – Marvel – for 10 years now. And that was something – the clock is always ticking but you can’t always tell what the time is. Sometimes your head is down & you’re too attentive to what you’re doing, you forget to eat or sleep.

The clock is always ticking but there’s records aren’t there? Of what’ s gone by and what you’ve done. Do you know that I feel as if the last ten years have been inconsequential. That I have been? In these times? That sensibility – that my life doesn’t matter and that nothing does – it’s pervasive and growing more durable as a working hypothesis.

Sometimes. I think about – I know friends are here and there now, today? This month – they’re celebrating anniversaries. They’re marking the passing of years & I think of that summer at the beach and that winter where there wasn’t winter and I climbed the 5 flights of stairs each day twice – those were just… And they’re ten years gone, fifteen. Only sometimes are there characteristic marks on me – notes of age advancing. A little more gray, a little more of my knees creaking. But then, They’re mild, light symptoms of the fatal - eventual. I’m aging well but I can’t help feel as if, again, I’m letting it all slip by and have no agency.

Powerlessness, right, we’ve all got that, it’s the human condition. I just never wanted to be or really considered myself as human. Exactly. You see enough things happen & the waveform collapses – all the probabilities shrink to a single point & that is what IS. And somehow I thought I could postpone what IS for longer and keep the options floating, juggle possibilities.

Maybe I am. I am still, I mean. You know that the only version of yourself that you know – that’s your previous self. I know that guy all too well, he seems like he does things but feels like he’s lazy & useless. He’s got problems that maybe other people don’t have. Your future self is the one you can help. I dunno man, I save money for you – try and manufacture a bit of IP for you to bank on through life. Maybe you’ll eventually be able to do something with it all. Maybe.

See – maybe, there’s never a true commitment of will, there’s a wait & we’ll see.

I think it’s because of the atom bomb. Personally I think that. I think it’ll be shelter in place and so on – for kids today – but for me in my time the Damocles Sword was the a-bomb and the well, it’ll all end anyway. You can give a scary narration & the kids will learn not to see a world beyond them – after them. They’ll think they’re last & never give much thought to what will be, one day. It’s a sickness, sure – memetic – Ideas to make the mind & spirit ill.

There’s that bird, the spring, the flurried breeze shaking out the claustrophobic sultry density. There’s that to wind up the will, to set the old Self to motion.

It’s not well said. Here. So a coda, for better exposition.

Powerlessness – you mean it in the sense where you’re an independent person. Not really wanting to be a part of a thing, not wanting to work in a society (I tried, and it didn’t want me) or in a company (slavery in a sense since misapplied by the eventual brutality of the peculiar institution) or even in a relationship with romance & feelings (I said this: It always ends and never in my favor, I assume it means there’s something wrong with me that makes people not want to be with me, in the end, but I haven’t any wish to change & so… That’s how it’ll be). And it’s not that I thought… Well, maybe I thought – I think – that there’d be a thing, to be a part of that had force & strength in the world – force that a solitary (by inclination) person can’t have. And by default the idea is that you’d be (I mean – I would be) the leader of it all. Because otherwise you’re following & obeying & you know – fuck that. But there’s not even a rock to roll uphill indefinitely – there’s not even that, no technique for moving the world the way you want it that’s got a measured rate of return, a provable likelihood of success, there’s just chance – it seems – and that’s the thought that renders you powerless. All of us.