(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

Of Course! The spring is in force & thus it is that time for brown liquor on the stoop. Of all the places I've lived this is the one with the most - I dunno - off-put? Cowardly? Disinterested? Some other adjective? - people. Most of the time folks will avoid you if they can, go around back instead of through the front. Neighbors across the hall are friendly-ish. Always are, and they change every couple of months. It's always someone who smoke a whole, whole lotta grass though. Without fail there's a new neighbor across the hall and every time they stay just a short while and are probably high AF the whole time. Current dude has his friend and her little-itty kid come by in the evenings so I get to say hey to a little-itty kid, who is sweet and shows off her nice purse that is also a plush dog toy that is wearing a dress.

I try and fail to spare my kid all the nostalgia & "Oh you were small and boo and hoo" I mean, I miss those days, yeah! Little kid with her plush-dog-in-a-dress handbag. I like now just as well though. Maybe better. Anyhow the adults that come by aren't as friendly & always I kind of assume it's cause of how I'm scary looking, kind of. Or who knows, gross?

------Okay. Feelings.

I talked at this guy who I have to talk to if I want my anti-despair medicines. This guy is, whatever, trained about these things. I talked at him and didn't really... Want to.

I don't love talking maybe. Or conversations? Or soliloquies. People. I say: "I just want to be left the fuck alone." Thinking of my boss & landlord & creditors & tax officials. This feeling - like when you're smoking out in public square and then everyone wants to get a cigarette off you - everyone. You get that feeling like sharks circling? Anyhow I say "I just want to be left the fuck alone."

But also - do I? I think? I'm supposed to imagine situations & interactions I'd like to have.

Real ones though. Possible ones. This is so opposed to my actual character. Here I think: I'd like to talk to Taus Elem - the abbot of the Misty Pavilion of Tulat-Ku's Saints - which I imagine as the administrative focus of the city of Divisions - the broken city, the Cleaved-Land.  The saints of the God of Many-As-One are the ants & bees, the microbes & the abbot tells you all about the emergent mind that exists in this elemental substrate - a biological force like Reich's orgone but this time - more, less vitalist, more eventual.   The abbot is a small person with a topknot & mismatched slippers who keeps one hand always, always in the river, sometimes carrying a bowl of the river's water alongside.  He says:  "Also there are twenty beautiful women in the city & I will tell you a riddle about each one so that you can go and meet them.  These meetings will be auspicious-  also there will be dancing."  

Yeah - that's a conversation I want to have.  I wonder if google can translate from Fabulist to Rust Belt?  

Comments

[icouldbeblank]

I understand you when you say that you don't want to talk to people. The ones you listed are people that you HAVE to talk to and then if you don't talk to them they start giving off that shark circling feeling because now they're hounding you for the information that they need. It's not a good feeling, but what can you do about it.

I don't really like talking either. I mostly listen to people and talk when spoken to, but other than that I find it hard to hold a conversation. I don't know why, but I always feel like I don't talk about anything interesting or something.