kingtycoon | (no subject)

I think I finally fell asleep around 5. Woke up pretty easily just after 6 - pushing on the snooze button. I hate that. My sleep hygiene has gone all to hell. It's this time of the year. Every time. Summer's ending so people are out & agitated. I can't abide air conditioning so my windows are open. Last night some people who seem to secretly live in my building (as in, I've never seen them before but that's not too weird considering) were doing some business where they were transporting their babies at midnight & had to call out to each other sotto voce in - I want to say Moroccan Arabic? There's a few moroccan people I've known around - but I can't gather a word of what they were saying. I was getting ready to start swearing at them all masri style but then heard babies & at least their car was quiet.

I thought about the filmmaker Malle & watched some of Black Moon & My Dinner With Andre laying in bed, and then laid in bed & idled, unsleeping but agitated - cued up & restless. I thought about people who aren't solitary, who have someone to care about their states or notice their conditions - who would remark on sleeplessness somehow. How disruptive or displeasing the other is, in these moments. In the wee hours right? When nothing should be but unconsidered confused lack of effort.

I had a breakthrough in my thinking as regards this next book I'm going to do. I think I can finish it up almost completely next month. I think it'll be a kind of achievement. I think it'll be good - is what I mean.

I've been drinking a lot. And not sleeping. My house is a wreck but the lady comes on friday. So I have that at least - for hopes. I've got to find something more vital to look forward to. Something actually cheering & hopeful that can sustain the crush of mindless days.

Most of the time I'm trying to keep myself from thinking of unthinkable things. I almost even cried last night. That almost never happens. I've internalized too much of the patriarchy's abuses, y'know. I have a hard time caring to express feelings of sorrow. Sadness. I approximate sadness with anger & disgust - as a way forward you know? As a method for contending with things I'm mainly displeased but hardly ever just sad. Some things are sad though & I can only try to look at beautiful things to avoid considering them.

I should have a hat made with jewels & beads, so that I can tilt my head down and guard my vision from the execrable. Related image

One of these dopey numbers, yeah.

Sometimes I think - I should buy a mortarboard to wear around. Like a cartoon-character that's smart.

In a dream I tried to have the villainous scholar tries to make it rain for 1,000 days upon the wicked city so that no trace of it will ever be found.