(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

 

 

 

I think that the toughest thing about my work is that I came here to do an easy job that pays okay where I get left alone a lot but I ended up doing a tough job where I get paid just okay & am never left alone.  So I'm pretty surly most of the time & that's something people notice - and that's tougher still because well.  Executive & management are pretty incompetent, they're weak & don't do much of consequence & what they do do, they do poorly.  I notice this because I can do leadership style stuff okay - not great but okay.  I do grunt stuff instead & try to keep a lower profile, I like being left alone & I profoundly resent that living in the hell of america means that I am compelled at all times to be making a rich asshole richer - but that I'm able to provide some small amount of boundaries but those are pretty commonly transgressed nowadays.  Really, it's just these people in my office who sniffle & snort constantly.  Sickos, allergics, some type of thing - they're super gross but fantastically unaware - which is funny in its way - because a total lack of poise & gentility is the type of thing that's going to prevent them from achieving any type of professional goals - even as they formulate & conspire to achieve more than shitty factory work.

Which is all to say - work.  What a racket, what a bunch of bullshit amirite?

Calm down about your dumb job dummy...

I keep stalling on my larger project.  I mean, I have a lot of it going but I hit this wall of dismay & can't quite get over it.  Long ago I'd feel when writing something, making something that there was some further effort I could produce - some deeper well of self & effort that I could plumb & then what I'd do would be great but that my efforts were blunted by some cowardly lack of force on my part. 

Nowadays its not lack of effort or abdication of greatness, it's just...  dissipation I think.  exhaustion, disinterest.  I used to be consumed with resentment about how lazy I am.  I got very curious about people, about their ways, how they spend their evenings, what they get into after work or on the weekends.  I used to think I was lazy & then I realized that people don't do shit, they're more idle & foolhardy even than me.  Bums.    I still get mad at people who do a lot of things but accomplishment. meh.  

This guy used to live in my building & he'd won the cuyahoga arts prize & became an artist.  i gave him one of my spare skulls because he needed one for his work - we talked & it was fine.  He moved away and I saw him at Ingenuity over the summer - him and his art.  The guy is real - I guess friendly?  Stoned - like - when a gen-x dude has a lot of hand-tattoos & is a professional artist / disability collector - you have a sense of them.  Now - in my experience this is the sort of person who is gonna scam you and get at you about dollars & will try to get you to pay for your astrological chart - that type of shit.  First-wife vibes!  I just, well I like dude & I got a weird social courage I don't ordinarily have - I was like - here's some pictures I made - here's this art I do.  He kept at me & gave me his address, "come hang out" & "come make stuff".  

And I didn't go & didn't want to.  This is my feeling of lazybones failure nowadays & actually.  Like, bitching about work right?  And knowing that my superiors here are pretty unexceptional & so on & realizing that their social circles are how they get to these places & that maintaining proper social commitments & having appropriate/any outreach is the way to do things & then...  Man, I don't like it.  You all, you people....

You're exhausting & vastly disappointing.  I mean it fellow civilizationists!  I've gone full misanthrope.