(no subject)

Oh okay.  Last night I was up late, not too late, but kind of late thinking – which is not my usual way.  Usually I fall asleep pretty quickly and without any trouble and that’s how it has been for years and years.  When I was very young I had trouble sleeping but I think it was just because I went to bed too early.  Something.  Anyhow, I was thinking about how I want to write a book, which I wasn’t sure I would even want to do.  And then I was thinking about work – which is a weird thing because my work is very low-stress.  High personal investment but low impact.  Anyhow, I had an idea for work that I wanted to deal with and I was pleased about it.  Projects.  I like my work because I am allowed these self-directed options, often, and I’m trusted to try and come up with useful activities for myself.  And then I was thinking about my many unfinished things.

You know – I used to think, I guess I still think it, but in a different way.  I used to be all twisted up about my ability to have follow through on projects, to complete them or actually make something of them.  I…  I guess that I still kind of have this feeling, that I don’t actually accomplish the things I set out to?  Sort of.  Nowadays I do try to take on and have and finish fairly ambitious projects – not, like earth shakingly impressive stuff, but things that I realize from the outset will take a lot of time and effort.  Maybe I’ve just learned patience, and that I can keep working on things for a long, long time.  Life is longer than you think, you’d better have a plan to fill the extra hours.

Of course my activity hasn’t been stellar, not lately.  Here’s how it went – over the weekend Agatha came and we were chill.  She has school now and it’s interesting to see how her attitude and behavior kind of switches.  She was glad to go back – she’d relaxed enough and gotten everything she wanted out of the summer.  I…  I honest cannot tell you how elaborate my various works would become if I was allowed 3 months a year to work on them.  And I honestly can tell you that every summer break I actually ever had was spent watching TV and wasting time with Nintendo.  She’s happy to have pizza slices for dinner and refuses to go to the grocery store which is just weird to me.  It is a weird thing that the women in my life-  my mother, my daughter my sister – they all hate the grocery store – and me?  I really like it there!  I love going grocery shopping, it’s amazing – they have all the food, all of it, it’s nuts.  Anyhow she begged off and I didn’t get groceries so we ate pizza and eventually fair food and that was fine.  The Great Geauga County Fair is the big one I’ve gone to every year of my life on this weekend and it’s what it is, family tradition.  I wished a little that there was a cookout or a party or something, and I felt badly about not doing this kind of thing and then realized that really & truly, I’d forgotten to set up and arrange my house – it’s been months since I’ve moved here and I’ve been squatting like a hobo.  Anyhow, spent a couple of days making it nice and liveable, and now I’m happy when I come home and it is my home and not just a couple of rooms with all my stuff crammed into it.  During the whole thing I was hanging pictures – which means, sorting through my paintings because, okay – yes, true facts:  Out of thrift and vanity I took up painting because I can’t afford artworks but fuck it man, I can sure try and make my own.  Anyhow I picked out the ones I wanted to hang and noticed a few that are really not very good, and that I wanted to try again on, and I’m going to.  I’m going to do a thing I’d not planned to do – wasn’t sure I’d do, but I’ll do it-  revisit my previous works.  Then I gathered the materials to make my 5th level spells in my spellbook, I shelved all my notebooks and fashioned more props for my Thursday game and did a lot of laundry.

Tomorrow I get paid and I’m pretty glad about that.  I realize that I need to get out more but I also realize that I don’t like to get out and that I don’t really have anyone to get out with so…  Okay.  I guess maudlin now.  I didn’t mean it but there you are.