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Feb. 14th, 2013 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kingtycoonSo really there's a few ways to go about it. When you find that song you like. Maybe you're out and you hear it and you really like it, it's on the stereo somewhere and you are glad you heard that song. Some people they'll react like they will ask about that song and want to know about it, they'll go out and buy the record and listen to it all the time, they'll have opinions about that song and have a whole next level of interaction and relationship with that song. And some people will remember, later, that they liked that song, when they hear it again, they'll be happy they heard it. They'll have a relationship with that song that makes them happy but which - well, doesn't get any musicians paid, and doesn't really involve any amount of obligation. They'll maybe really, really like that song and be super happy every time they hear it, and that will be that.
So you can see where I'm going - I'm not exactly the record buyer that's keeping industries afloat. I'm not exactly falling in love with someone and joining her forever and having that next level relationship. Casual, easy and nobody gets paid and nobody takes on obligations.
A weakness of my character? I mean - I don't know, I doubt it. I'm not a shirker, you understand. I take things very seriously, so I think pretty hard about the things I get in to, what they're going to be and demand and what it's going to look like. Always his mind on the future.
Anyhow this particular song ended up coming from like, I don't know, columbia house? The MPAA was knocking down my door and demanding that I make my payments in the form of any future plans I might have had. And I'm like - "I only listened a few times?"
Which is to say, casual, light, easy - I'm an appreciator - a big one, but I'm not obliged and never feel obligations strongly, never feel any/much guilt, never feel any/much want. It's nice to hear that song again, but if I never hear it again? Well, that's fine too I guess.
Maybe it's just the song or you know - the girl, to like, deflate this overblown metaphor, maybe it's the girl, like it doesn't get to me. I'll dance to it, but I'm waiting for the DJ to really put that one on that I want to hear. I'm waiting for the thing I'm waiting for. Maybe. Probably that, I feel that most.
Maybe I'm just not in the market for any records - or relationships, to again, deflate this whole metaphor.
I IMed with M after lunch to explain how I'd gotten broken up with on Valentines Day on my lunch break and he said something like - "Can it be because all you care about is not being in love and communism?" Which is hilarious and true. Kind of true. The love thing. I don't know. Sometimes it's like - it's like I got shot and shot and shot so many times and I kept being just on the verge of death, or maybe people were listening to my song, and over and over they listened to it and didn't buy my record? And I was like - it's amazing how I can live without royalties - or it's fucking amazing that I am now immune to bullets. Like it's fascinating that I am how I am - to me - because, if you asked me - I'd say to you that I'm the biggest sucker about love and the most taken in and the most hurt.
But really I guess that's not true, and probably hasn't been for a long, long time. So I take the hard, stern look and see what I'm about and up to. I see that I'm unapproachable and unavailable and not buying any records or trying to find out who sings that one song. Is it because I have the badness now? Some abiding selfishness? Some dark streak of inhumanity? Robotism? I've had too many conversations with people who truly professed to care about me more than anything else who have been dumbstruck except to point out that I am probably not a human being - I've had too many of those conversations now to not pay just a little mind to what it might all mean.
I mean, I'm not that interested in being a person. Or having the things people have or want to have. There's things, some things about it that I like, but shucks - no. No I want inhuman things then, and want them. I'm not sorry about how I am except that it makes other people sad. It's not that I think because they are in love with me that they deserve and extra level of pity, I feel badly for everyone that anticipates that I'll have some reaction they deem to be normal or explicable. I'm really not even that weird, I just want different things and I really want those things. Sometimes it seems a lot like those things are at odds with the feelings of the people that are in love with me.
And then there is a fight, because I think: I don't want to give up the things I want, and I'm not going to. And then it all breaks down and is over and I'm inhuman.
The things I want: Autonomy, Solitude, Certainty, Pacing, Calm, The Future, Home, Peace, Serenity, Ease, Accomplishment, Tasks. I try pretty fucking hard to have those things and I have them. I know in the morning what I'm going to be doing that night, and I know when I feel one way or another I can ride the tide of my feelings in the moment to accomplish something or another that I want to accomplish. I might decide I'll read books, and so I'll read books because I'll have that mood and be capricious and ride my pace and have that peace and accomplish the reading of books. Or I might want to write one, or paint, or play video-games, or sleep a lot - and everything has its season.
Sometimes I might even like to be in love or to be loved and that's a mood that comes and it goes, like a song. I didn't pay attention to who sings it, but I like it when I hear it on the radio.
So you can see where I'm going - I'm not exactly the record buyer that's keeping industries afloat. I'm not exactly falling in love with someone and joining her forever and having that next level relationship. Casual, easy and nobody gets paid and nobody takes on obligations.
A weakness of my character? I mean - I don't know, I doubt it. I'm not a shirker, you understand. I take things very seriously, so I think pretty hard about the things I get in to, what they're going to be and demand and what it's going to look like. Always his mind on the future.
Anyhow this particular song ended up coming from like, I don't know, columbia house? The MPAA was knocking down my door and demanding that I make my payments in the form of any future plans I might have had. And I'm like - "I only listened a few times?"
Which is to say, casual, light, easy - I'm an appreciator - a big one, but I'm not obliged and never feel obligations strongly, never feel any/much guilt, never feel any/much want. It's nice to hear that song again, but if I never hear it again? Well, that's fine too I guess.
Maybe it's just the song or you know - the girl, to like, deflate this overblown metaphor, maybe it's the girl, like it doesn't get to me. I'll dance to it, but I'm waiting for the DJ to really put that one on that I want to hear. I'm waiting for the thing I'm waiting for. Maybe. Probably that, I feel that most.
Maybe I'm just not in the market for any records - or relationships, to again, deflate this whole metaphor.
I IMed with M after lunch to explain how I'd gotten broken up with on Valentines Day on my lunch break and he said something like - "Can it be because all you care about is not being in love and communism?" Which is hilarious and true. Kind of true. The love thing. I don't know. Sometimes it's like - it's like I got shot and shot and shot so many times and I kept being just on the verge of death, or maybe people were listening to my song, and over and over they listened to it and didn't buy my record? And I was like - it's amazing how I can live without royalties - or it's fucking amazing that I am now immune to bullets. Like it's fascinating that I am how I am - to me - because, if you asked me - I'd say to you that I'm the biggest sucker about love and the most taken in and the most hurt.
But really I guess that's not true, and probably hasn't been for a long, long time. So I take the hard, stern look and see what I'm about and up to. I see that I'm unapproachable and unavailable and not buying any records or trying to find out who sings that one song. Is it because I have the badness now? Some abiding selfishness? Some dark streak of inhumanity? Robotism? I've had too many conversations with people who truly professed to care about me more than anything else who have been dumbstruck except to point out that I am probably not a human being - I've had too many of those conversations now to not pay just a little mind to what it might all mean.
I mean, I'm not that interested in being a person. Or having the things people have or want to have. There's things, some things about it that I like, but shucks - no. No I want inhuman things then, and want them. I'm not sorry about how I am except that it makes other people sad. It's not that I think because they are in love with me that they deserve and extra level of pity, I feel badly for everyone that anticipates that I'll have some reaction they deem to be normal or explicable. I'm really not even that weird, I just want different things and I really want those things. Sometimes it seems a lot like those things are at odds with the feelings of the people that are in love with me.
And then there is a fight, because I think: I don't want to give up the things I want, and I'm not going to. And then it all breaks down and is over and I'm inhuman.
The things I want: Autonomy, Solitude, Certainty, Pacing, Calm, The Future, Home, Peace, Serenity, Ease, Accomplishment, Tasks. I try pretty fucking hard to have those things and I have them. I know in the morning what I'm going to be doing that night, and I know when I feel one way or another I can ride the tide of my feelings in the moment to accomplish something or another that I want to accomplish. I might decide I'll read books, and so I'll read books because I'll have that mood and be capricious and ride my pace and have that peace and accomplish the reading of books. Or I might want to write one, or paint, or play video-games, or sleep a lot - and everything has its season.
Sometimes I might even like to be in love or to be loved and that's a mood that comes and it goes, like a song. I didn't pay attention to who sings it, but I like it when I hear it on the radio.
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no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 02:22 pm (UTC)In any case, ((*hugs*)).
no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 10:24 pm (UTC)But hey, if he's happy then I guess all is well after all. Carry on.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 11:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 04:33 pm (UTC)Maybe you are not broken up about this at all, but I just want to say, you're a good person. Don't let the jerks tell you differently.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 09:14 pm (UTC)Coupledom is that thing where I'm the antichrist of it. Which is the thing M and I ever bicker about - because he's a pervert about everyone having to be joined up with their person - making him the anti-anti-christ of that scenario. But even he's got some sense about it.
This situation, it just seemed like- anyone would do, anyone who could take her in.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 09:16 pm (UTC)If I'm a bad person it's not a matter of moral fiber exactly - but more of a question of QC - like, it's fine with me if it turns out I'm made of remaindered parts or a mold that got broken. I don't think it's even vain or controversial for me to suggest that it's the case.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 09:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-15 10:45 pm (UTC)