(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

I just found my bus pass in the coushion of my chair and I thought that I must have become a magical wizard or something. Again. Sometimes magic happenstance is too far between instances to make you feel alright about things. You can get caught up deeply in mundane matters, you can get caught up entirely like the wind blowing you into the sky in just mindless doings. Mindless doings.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever make a groove in the floor, if I'll ever be settled and have a five year stretch that I can speak of in advance without ending up cursed. I'm on a permanent 30 month cycle - I can see it here in the old Livejournal - every two.5 years it all gets different and I've got to get going again. I need a 120 month cycle, ideally - that's, to me - I see what's up with people and those people that are on top of their situations that have all they need and don't seem too worried - they've been building five years and coasting five years. I want that, I'm building two years, coasting a couple of months and back to the beginning.

Somewhat. I move soon, soon. I've been packing, I was cross with my daughter and was not loving enough. I am worried and tired. I am tired. I guess not worried.

Hey, I found my bus pass in the coushions of my chair. Hey I can paint if I want to, I can work from home if I can't find my bus pass, I can even work from home really effectively.

I assume that these little victories seem utterly disappointing and small-time and that my frustrating concerns seem utterly insignificant and laughably simple.

Because they are. Big picture thinking currently evades me - I'm caught up and stuck on these details! It's the worst man, I gotta get peace soon.

Comments

[fordmadoxfraud.livejournal.com]

Moving is hard. And it makes you hard to those around you. Don't worry about it.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

It's not even an exciting move to anew thing. Purely administrative.

[omy.livejournal.com]

I too am caught up in mundane details. I feel like I want to focus on bigger things, like 5 year plans...I feel like that is the Thing to Do. What grown-ups do, right? But I always feel like I am chasing my tail around a little 4 foot cage.

Ah, that's not really true, I do have some plans, some goals. I guess it's that they do not seem attainable or achievable right now, and every day, it is a struggle to get through it in some sense, with money worries and laundry and cooking dinner and being nice to my kids and what-not. I just wonder, is it ever going to be easy? I find myself dreaming of being 65 and retiring, I just want to skip over the next 30 years of working and doing, and get to *living*.

But, I mean, I guess the living part is the down and dirty, the what we do every day shit in the trenches of parenthood and work and keeping a house (whatever that may look like.)

I am weary. I go through phases of getting excited about the next new thing, and then it seems like it doesn't pan out, or I get too overwhelmed by the follow-through and then the follow through doesn't happen. I wonder, is this what my parents felt like? Is this what *most people* feel like?

Should every day be a struggle? I think not. But, then again sometimes I am convinced that is what life is. We do our little struggles and we sleep and we eat and we do it again the next day.

God, I sound nihilistic. "I gotta get peace soon." This struck me as funny. I feel that way too. All I want is some peace. To know that i am making the right decisions and that my kids are going to graduate and be okay and grow up and not struggle like this.