(no subject)

[kingtycoon]

It's important that I be handsome because I've been feeling diminished & valueless. I can't decide if this is something related to a need for more & better sleep, a lingering depression, or a legitimate feeling of inadequacy brought on by failings.

It's just that thing, where I feel weak/small/poor/useless - that sense of being undesirable. Does this happen to everyone? I don't know, I feel like a joke sometimes, and sometimes I know that I am and am not bothered. Sometimes though - I feel like my interests & identity are weird liabilities.

It doesn't help that I'm so much against the world, at least the one I live in, by stubbornness or design or inability to participate. There are a bunch of things, areas of interaction in which I just don't get along with the way things are and this has a pretty powerful, cumulative effect that makes me feel like a gross asshole.

I think I started to snap out of it the other day when I noticed that I'm pretty handsome - this is just my particular & tacky vanity. It doesn't matter that I don't like going in cars or to see a dog, or that I have nothing and want only pointless trinkets. It isn't even a matter of consideration that I'm a failed science fiction writer that falls into strange careers in a disjointed slapdash fashion. Isn't that dumb? None of that matters as long as I'm handsome. I don't know - I'm sure this is a profound & terrible admission, a black mark on my character - which isn't even that good anyway - but it's the one thing that seems to mean anything at all. I don't know why.

I should really think about the things I need to do to make my situation better, but in the end I'm easily satisfied and have basically no accountability to anyone else. It's strange having a life & letting it be exactly what you want - made of only impulses & desires, limited only by resources. Maybe I'm bestial, maybe I'm virtuous, I don't care, it's just important that my face looks good while I do it.

My upbringing?

Comments

[aslant.livejournal.com]

Hey man. You are super handsome. You are a charming curmudgeonly type of dad, and that is pretty awesome too. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

That helped though. I'm better now. I guess I fell into a sorrow about my situation seeming to be in a kind of stasis - no forward, no up.

But no backward & down is still pretty good - so I'll accentuate the positive.

[forsakengirl.livejournal.com]

We just want people to like us.

I think we want people to like us for who we are, not what we look like. We want people to be so blown away by our personalities that they don't even care how good or bad looking we are. Maybe people will like us even more because of our ugliness (not that I think you're ugly, you are quite handsome).

But the sad truth is that no one really cares about personalities. And so much of how people treat you/ how much they like you is because of the way you look. So, we want to look nice so people will like us.

Or maybe it's just me.

I hope you feel better. If you want to talk I'm here :)

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

This is 100% to do with me being a lower-middle-class 40 year old single parent. It's like this - I'm not even sure I'm actually admirable, and if I am, I don't know it or feel it, outside of my appearance.

Generally I'm a lot more upbeat you know? Like I've got a lot going on that's worthwhile & valuable.

Just sometimes you pull away from it and don't see the value in the things you do and that you consider to be the things about you - you question yourself too much for no good reason & don't see the worth of what you do and who you are.

The fix is to put yourself on the continuum with everyone else. I've got my thing, and I do what I want so I've at least got that going on.

It'd be better if someone good was in love with me - but that's the lower-middle-class 40 year old single parent's universal lament - what are you going to do?

[rasa.livejournal.com]

As my unrequited internet crush, I am here to tell you: YOU ARE HANDSOME.

[kingtycoon.livejournal.com]

Aw, internet crushes make the world go round! You're a doll.

[rasa.livejournal.com]

:)