kingtycoon | (no subject)

It's important that I be handsome because I've been feeling diminished & valueless. I can't decide if this is something related to a need for more & better sleep, a lingering depression, or a legitimate feeling of inadequacy brought on by failings.

It's just that thing, where I feel weak/small/poor/useless - that sense of being undesirable. Does this happen to everyone? I don't know, I feel like a joke sometimes, and sometimes I know that I am and am not bothered. Sometimes though - I feel like my interests & identity are weird liabilities.

It doesn't help that I'm so much against the world, at least the one I live in, by stubbornness or design or inability to participate. There are a bunch of things, areas of interaction in which I just don't get along with the way things are and this has a pretty powerful, cumulative effect that makes me feel like a gross asshole.

I think I started to snap out of it the other day when I noticed that I'm pretty handsome - this is just my particular & tacky vanity. It doesn't matter that I don't like going in cars or to see a dog, or that I have nothing and want only pointless trinkets. It isn't even a matter of consideration that I'm a failed science fiction writer that falls into strange careers in a disjointed slapdash fashion. Isn't that dumb? None of that matters as long as I'm handsome. I don't know - I'm sure this is a profound & terrible admission, a black mark on my character - which isn't even that good anyway - but it's the one thing that seems to mean anything at all. I don't know why.

I should really think about the things I need to do to make my situation better, but in the end I'm easily satisfied and have basically no accountability to anyone else. It's strange having a life & letting it be exactly what you want - made of only impulses & desires, limited only by resources. Maybe I'm bestial, maybe I'm virtuous, I don't care, it's just important that my face looks good while I do it.

My upbringing?