(no subject)

 

A day off in the middle of the week makes it seem like a long time has transpired.  I’ve been having a strange relationship with experienced time lately.  Boredom?  Here’s what happened.

Last week I kind of finished In The Ruins and produced a hardbound copy for proofing purposes.  It’s almost 600 pages & I’m not sure but I think I might just be crazy.  I sent a copy to Mordicai too, cause he’d say:  You shouldn’t have done this if I shouldn’t have.  Probably.

So that’s part of it all, making something preposterous, huge & serious & then not even knowing.  Not even sure if you feel accomplished about it or shamed.  On Saturday I got up early to go and march.  Young A was called for softball and begged off of marching – or well, got sidelined by the beseeching coach.  I didn’t have the heart to explain that the coach’s job is not a voluntary job, nor the umpire – these people get paid & for them to get paid they put the pressure on this one poor kid.  Not the other 4 who’d already said they wouldn’t go.  Anyhow, she says Softball, I say March – cause, fuck it, someone’s got to fight the ‘ol Gubmint.  May as well be me. 

Meet up with Brandi there – she’s won an election for the central committee for the county’s democratic party – she won by 40 votes – of the 47 that were cast.  I have no idea what this position is, It looks like fewer than 50 people even know what it is.  But she won for her precinct & gets to help set the county party’s tone.  The march wasn’t a march but a rally – a lot of people speaking, some actually pretty good. 

In the past there were pro-immigrant rallies, I remember them from years ago – and I jumped up and got ready to go & then all the reporting etc… was Spanish, about latin americans & so on – I felt waved off.  And there weren’t too many people there to talk about immigrants from elsewhere – not that this is a complaint, I understand that there are majorities within minority groups.  But there was an arab speaker for once & I was pleased.  South Asians later?  Maybe east Asians one day?   There’s a lot of cynicism in my interpretation of these things.  A lot of immigrants from the old world, they’re more interested in assimilating or staying in enclaves.  What I’ve observed is that a major part of assimilation into American culture is to adopt racism, as it’s a central component of the American identity. 

The news was not too much about rallying, mainly they talked about LeBron.  I sass Agatha about softball – “See, sports always comes first!”  Though she was guilted into going & resentful about it.  This is the purpose & style of my sass.  “I wouldn’t make fun about it if I really thought you felt that way.”  That’s my way.  I wouldn’t make fun about real-stuff.

It’s hot – too hot after rallying & walking up tall hills to do much but collapse & sweat.  I do that for a while & then, come nightfall go to dance at the silent disco with Esther.

It’s weird, thinking of it, that I hang out so much with my ex-girlfriends.  The silent disco is an interesting idea & I dance like a fool for a while.  Till around 1, maybe a little later – slip out the back.  Never self-conscious about dancing.  Just about the books & art I make.  What does it mean? 

So Sunday I have ideas but we don’t get to them.  I was thinking kayak picnic, taco restaurant & gramma’s house.  But the day starts too late & is too hot & young A is down with ladystuff.  So I just walk around & get food & prizes and then come & stay home. 

On Monday I have a lottery at work and hand out old iphones & laptops.  Mainly people end up pretty happy.  I didn’t win anything but don’t mind much.  There’s going to be another one sooner than later-  I’ve only barely dug myself out from under all this inventory as it is. 

After that my boss takes me to see the old man I used to go to see all the time.  I think a lot about saying something about something and then don’t.  I feel like I want to tell my boss – “Larry thinks there might one day be sex.  There will never be sex.”  But I think my boss gets it.  He understands a little.

Stupid old man pushed up on me and now I don’t want to be his friend.  Took it too far little old man. 

I peel off of our meeting and go to the therapist.  This is my second ever appointment.  I talk for a while, I get into these ideas of what constitutes success.  Even when I was kind of wealthy I veered away from that word.  I still don’t know how to take it and it’s probably telling that I still think of it in terms of being rich.  He talks me into a headspace about success being the completion of objectives.  Probably this is why I’m so confounded by this books business – because I set out as a goal to write a good book.  And I always fall short.

Albert Pinkham Ryder – I have to think about that for a while.  Him.  Maybe I’ll go see Death at the Racetrack soon.  Get wise.

4^th of July I lay on my couch and played video games all day.  I don’t care & didn’t care and avoided obligation & human contact like a fucking hero.